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After going through an eye-opening, albeit short-lasted, transformation, smart, succesful, sophisticated and so far, single, Fenella Bond, is back in business and she shared her "drink-by-drink transgression" with Connect magazine.
"Dear Diary, As I write these words from my hungover hovel of shame, I am haunted by blurry flashbacks from my mortifying state last night at Penelope’s soirée.
"For the love of boutique, herb- infused gins, why will I never learn my limit? For posterity (and because my shaman has stopped answering my calls), please find below the drink-by-drink transgression of Fenella Bond under the influence:
"Cocktail #1: politely nodding as Nigel tells his seventh golf anecdote of the evening. I smile, stir the ice with my straw and thank Gordon’s for having mercy on my soul.
"Second cocktail: as Nigel begins audio-describing his signature putting technique, my patience begins to wear thin. Emboldened by the confidence I found at the bottom of my flouncy drinks glass, and my loathing of this midlife crisis masquerading as a sport, I decide to open my mouth...
"Cocktail the third: turns out Nigel didn’t take too kindly to my golf-orientated double-entendre (even though it definitely made the cute paediatrician laugh – which I am counting as a win). Rory McIlroy over there got all huffy and resorted to scoffing the disappointing, but inevitable words: “well, I wouldn’t expect a woman like you to know her wedge from her putter!” Unfortunately for Nigel, I consider my lack of knowledge about golf to be an achievement.
Pictured: "Cocktail #5: I’m literally dancing on the table.
"Fourth cocktail: Riding high on my hole-in-one, I was, to quote Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj (the most iconic artistic collaboration since Dolce met Gabbana) most definitely “feeling myself.” The flanter (flirtatious banter) was flowing with Dr. Dreamboat, and nothing could kill my vibe.
"Cocktail #5: I’m literally dancing on the table. Can’t tell if the other guests find it kooky or obnoxious, but this fifth martini really takes the edge off that little voice inside you that stops you making horrible life decisions. It was about this point that I started throwing Ferrero Rochers into people’s mouths.
"???: It’s 04:30 and my capacity to count my drinks is long gone (sorry, mother). Penelope keeps telling me how late it is and I keep telling her how much I love her, even though she is a little uptight. These words clearly don’t come across as sentimentally as I intended, as she storms off to bed, leaving me to wait for the taxi in silence with her sweater-vested husband who always calls me Fiona.
Pictured: It’s 04:30 and my capacity to count my drinks is long gone (sorry, mother).
"How did I go from charming to churlish in little over eight drinks? I’m going to have to send Penelope another apology scented candle and I’ve most definitely scuppered my chances of ever becoming Mrs Dreamboat: doctor’s wife, upcycle enthusiast, yummy mummy.
"My weekly horoscope was right: I do tend to leap before I look. That is, if ‘leaping’ means making a fool of myself in front of a room full of people I sort of like and ‘looking’ means, well, exercising any kind of caution and/or moderation that results in everyone adoring me, and me marrying this week’s man of my dreams. (Last week it was the cute barista who gave me an extra stamp on my loyalty card after I bought my usual oat milk matcha tea latte).
"So, in the interest of turning over a new leaf: I, Fenella Bond, former sinner, announce a spring-clean of my life. Here it is in black and white so that I cannot go back on my oath. I am now, officially, tee-totalled.
Pictured: "I am only drinking green tea and water with lemon in."
"Monday – day one of my new, improved, even more perfect life.
I am only drinking green tea and water with lemon in. I can absolutely do this. You know what? I feel a difference already. My favourite white jeans are a little looser, my complexion is brighter and I am feeling more and more like Mrs Dreamboat by the second. I can do this!
"Tuesday – sans gin, sans will to live, sans everything
The gals are going to the new, secret cocktail bar in town and I had to make up some excuse. Even the thought of listening to them go on and on about their latest trip to Cannes, with nothing but a lime and soda to see me through, fills me with utter dread.
"Wednesday - there is no such thing as sobriety
I have forgotten what it feels like to have fun. Easy Fenella, remember: who needs fun when you can have flaxseeds? Oh god... I need a drink.
Pictured: "Yesterday I drank a whole bottle of prosecco to myself before 11:00 and I’ve never felt so alive."
"Thursday – my last will and testament
I, Fenella, being of unsound mind due to a self-inflicted sugar-free, alcohol-free, fat-free, FUN-FREE hell, hereby leave all my worldly possessions and assets to Tanqueray, London’s Dry Gin Distillery. May you continue to fill the world with sunshine. Remember me as I was, not as I am now. Signed, the hollow shell of what used to be Miss Fenella Bond. Goodbye, cruel world.
"Friday – cheat day
After yesterday’s morbid moment, I was feeling better this morning. This lasts all of twenty minutes until I opened the fridge and saw nothing in there but a carton of almond milk and last night’s lentil ragu. This isn’t living. I tried to read a book to take my mind off of things, but what’s the point of reading if you can’t enjoy a nice glass of Merlot alongside it? That’s it. I refuse to apologise for who I am. I’m going for a boozy brunch because I’m Fenella and that’s my style, baby.
"Saturday – one week since the night of the flying Ferrero Rochers
Yesterday I drank a whole bottle of prosecco to myself before 11:00 and I’ve never felt so alive. I’m contemplating buying a new outfit to celebrate the new (old) me, because tonight is Tabitha’s housewarming wine and cheese evening. Fenella is back in business, so if you’re a golf-playing misogynist or an inhumanly handsome GP; you’d better watch out.
"Toodles!
Lots of Love, Fenella x x x"
Read more from Fenella Bond in each month's Connect magazine. Click for the latest edition.
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