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Dear Fenella: "He told me he loves me but doesn't want a relationship"

Dear Fenella:

Sunday 25 September 2022

Dear Fenella: "He told me he loves me but doesn't want a relationship"

Sunday 25 September 2022


This month, Jersey's favourite socialite-turned-Agony-Aunt has been called upon to advise an islander on their love life.

Here's what Fenella Bond had to say to 'Confused in St. Clement'...

Dear Fenella,

I’m a woman in my early thirties. I have a great job; great friends; and I really enjoy my own company – the only thing that’s missing is a bit of romance. I’ve recently started seeing this guy, who I met online, and everything has been going great... until he recently told me that he loves me but doesn’t want a relationship with me. 

 I’m done with casual dating – it was fun while it lasted – but now I’m looking for something serious. But part of me wants to see where this goes. Maybe he’s just scared of commitment. If he loves me, that’s got to count for something. Am I just kidding myself?

Please send wisdom and tough love,

Confused in St. Clement

Hi babes,

Your letter really spoke to me, mostly because I read every single letter that my assistant approves out loud to make sure I’m really capturing the essence of my fans’ problems.

When I read yours aloud, I couldn’t help but feel incredibly, incredibly sad. Mostly, because this could well have been a letter from my past self.

Coming to think of it, I used to live in St. Clement – OMG maybe my Agony Aunt column is so iconic that it’s ripped open the space-time continuum or something? 

Letter.jpg

Pictured: This could well have been a letter from my past self.

Okay, so I’m going to address this as a letter to my younger self. I don’t know why but making something about me always helps me give better advice – it’s just my methodology, which you can read about in my brand-new self-help cookbook ‘Me, Myself & Pink Wine’.

Young Fenella, you say that you have a lovely life and that you enjoy who you are and who your friends are, so why are you willing to throw all of that away for a grown man who clearly wants to do the following:

  1. Have his cake

  2. And eat this aforementioned cake too

Yes, honey, you’re the cake. And you’re going to get eaten if you’re not careful. Let me put it this way: if you hold every other aspect of your life to the highest possible standard in terms of your career and your friends, why settle for less when it comes to lurve? The thing is there’s really nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship – but it takes two to tango and it’s only practical if both of you want something casual. 

Being single and dating casually is super fun – and it helps you grow as a person. Before I dated casually in my twenties, I didn’t realise I was capable of dating many, many A-list celebrities, but that was a journey I had to go on. And it sounds like this is your own personal journey.

Young Fenella, you asked for tough love and I’m serving it up piping hot. You’ve got to realise that by telling you that he loves you, he has you right where he wants you. He wants you to hold on with him to see whether anything develops so he gets the experience of dating you without any of the hard stuff like commitment, loyalty, or I don’t know... basic respect and compassion. 

If he actually loved you like he says he does, why wouldn’t he want a relationship with you? You sound freaking awesome! And I’m not just saying that because you may well be a version of myself trapped in the past... I swear.

Take it from me, your future self: You’re better off without this guy. I know it’s scary to hedge your bets and hope that someone else will come along but do you know what? You can handle it. This guy is right for someone, but not for you gal so, in the immortal words of Our Lord and Saviour Ariana Grande: “Thank you, next!”

I’m actually not going to waste any more of my word count talking about this dude, so instead, here are some cute things you can do for yourself that are way better than moping over a man who can’t give you what you need:

  • Take your friends out for drinks – I’m sure they’ve put up with a lot of emotional convos about this guy – they deserve a break

  • Enjoy some ‘me time’ – have a bubble bath, go for a bike ride, go to the cinema – you are your own soulmate, okay? (God, I am so wise)

  • Buy my cookbook, only £29.99 in all good bookstores

  • Get yourself a brand-new outfit and dress up just for YOU

  • Get a wax – even having your hair follicles ripped out your skin by a total stranger is less painful than entertaining this man’s nonsense

  • Go to pilates and sweat the heartbreak off

  • Take a dance class!

Speaking as yourself from the future, I can promise you that it gets better. As long as you set the same standards in your dating life as you do in every other aspect of your über cool existence – you will be absolutely fine. Don’t settle for anything less.

If you want a relationship, you can have one, but you shouldn’t have to convince any potential partner that you’re worth that.

drinks alcohol gathering cheers club bar toast party

Pictured: Take your friends out for drinks  I’m sure they’ve put up with a lot of emotional convos about this guy – they deserve a break.

I love you, Young Fenella, I wouldn’t be where I am today without you.

Be strong and don’t let anyone steal your sparkle.

Hugs and kisses,

Auntie Fenella xxx

READ MORE...

"I'm fully obsessed with stalking people's profiles"

"Should I shoot my shot?"

"Make me over, please!"

"I feel like a charity case around my rich friends, but I don't want to miss out!"

"How do I start my self-care journey?"

"It used to be equal... now we’re married, he leaves everything to me"

"Help me make her proposal dreams come true"

"I feel like they’ve all moved on without me"

 "I'm worried that no one takes me seriously"

These Agony Aunt columns first appeared in Connect Magazine, and you can browse all previous editions for free HERE

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