A cattery in St Saviour has denied installing sit-down toilets in its cabins, amid reports that some cats are identifying as humans.
The head of Jersey Cattery Group was forced to write to all of his customers this week to say that none of its cats are spending up to 30 minutes on the carsie while they Snapchat their mates, play Forge of Empires or read a magazine while they wait to catnip off.
Instead, all cats were doing what cats do, which is ping out a few neat bullets before burying them in dust with their hind legs, then going back to sleeping, rubbing up against table legs and catching mice.
However, it did not stop rumours of strange cat activity… talk of cats falling asleep on the dunny after a big night out, reading entire chapters of Lord of the Rings or humming Harry Styles’ songs while tracking the path of a fly.
Being a ‘Humany’ involves cats adopting a human avatar, tucking up their tails, clipping their whiskers and styling their fur.
They also swap cans of kidney and liver chunks and pilchard paste for doner kebabs and other less appealing food.
One ‘Humany’, a mysterious cat called Torkout McCavity, admitted that trying to be homo sapien had its drawbacks, such as a tendency to fall off walls and not being guaranteed prime spot by the fire.
However, it did offer some advantages, including being able to go through the front door, staying at the dining table when eating, and not barfing up balls of your own hair.
But the head of the Jersey Cattery Group went public to scotch the rumours.
“Fur goodness sake,” he said. “We had thought that, as they were so clearly pawsitively ludicrous, these rumours would quickly be a distant Memory.
“But no… So, I’ve sent an email to highlight the problem, which has now reached a global audience. To be honest, this is all a bit embarrassing!”