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NEWS EYE: Report reveals that the island is officially going to the dogs

NEWS EYE: Report reveals that the island is officially going to the dogs

Friday 24 February 2023

NEWS EYE: Report reveals that the island is officially going to the dogs

Friday 24 February 2023

New figures reveal that there are now more dogs in Jersey than people, leading some to ask whether man's best friend should have more say in island life.

With every middle-class household now expecting to have at least one dog in the family, some hounds are calling for more political representation, including a seat - or possibly a mat - in the States Assembly.

Gordon Setter, who was elected leader of the pack after meeting around 60 fellow hounds on the beach at Grève d’Azette at 7:00 last Tuesday, said that it was dogs’ democratic right to have a louder voice / bark / yelp / growl / pant.

He said: “We get on very well with humans - you fly us in when we’re cute young pups on expensive private planes, you feed us, walk us, pamper us and even pick up our shit.

“Apart from sterilising us, you treat us pretty well.

“But that doesn’t mean we should stay second-class citizens and have our voices muzzled!”

Mr Setter said that he and his fellow canines had important issues to raise, such as:

  • when is my next meal?
  • When will you next throw the ball?
  • Why don’t you rub my tummy for longer?
  • Why can’t I sniff that dog’s bottom?
  • Is neo-liberalism struggling to meet basic needs in a post-modern, fragmented world?

Mr Setter added that a number of dogs were already considering sitting in the next Assembly, as well as lying down and possibly offering a paw. 

So far, his political colleagues Coton de Tulear, Leon Berger and Skye Terrier were considering standing in St. Ouen, St. Mary and St. Peter, while he knew of a Shih Tzu in Trinity who would run on a manifesto of improving things at Durrell.

“We need to make our island Great Dane again,” said Mr Setter. “I’d like to Pointer out that dog rights is a Mastiff issue. Anyone who thinks otherwise is barking up the wrong tree.

“We shall not be moved! Well, until we hear the sound of you preparing the dog bowl. Then all political considerations will be temporarily forgotten.”

Mr Setter said that should his colleagues be successful at the polls, islanders could expect a wide cross-section of representation ranging from soppy labradors, fluffy cockapoos, hyperactive spaniels and happy-go-lucky pugs to aloof chow-chows, feisty Jack Russells, loyal collies and bouncing briards.

WARNING: Contains nonsensical puerile drivel which should be taken down straight away - official!

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