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NEWS EYE: Event launched for toughest Lycra-loving challenge-chaser

NEWS EYE: Event launched for toughest Lycra-loving challenge-chaser

Friday 15 July 2022

NEWS EYE: Event launched for toughest Lycra-loving challenge-chaser

Friday 15 July 2022


In order to cater for today’s post-spiritual world of challenge-based physical activity, where stretching the body has replaced stretching the soul, the ultimate Jersey super-event has been devised.

It promises to put Jersey on the map once and for all for event-based tourism.

The ‘Tour de Itex Coast to Coast Dash Round the Triathlon Rock Hospice Half Sark to Monkey Breca Festival of Marathon Knockout’ combines all previous pursuits and is set to test the resolve of the hardiest lover of challenges.

And by throwing all events into one, it will also mean that roads will be closed for just one day next year, meaning that you won’t be late taking your children to hockey because you forgot Victoria Avenue was shut on Sunday morning for the third time in five weeks.

The ‘Tour de Itex Coast to Coast Dash Round the Triathlon Rock Hospice Half Sark to Monkey Breca Festival of Marathon Knockout’ will start with a run round the island while flipping a tractor tyre, followed by swimming to France and back, cycling up and down Bonne Nuit Hill 30 times, cart-wheeling between town and St. Aubin while being sprayed with matt emulsion, and finishing by having to wade through an inflatable pool of chamois cream to collect five ‘golden gels’.

All this has to be done while tethered to your grandmother.

The winner will be the first person who can upload their race data to Strava, post it on Facebook, and receive more than 50 ‘likes’.

Race organiser Ivor Midlife-Crisis said he expected the ‘Tour de Itex Coast to Coast Dash Round the Triathlon Rock Hospice Half Sark to Monkey Breca Festival of Marathon Knockout’ would be popular for about two years before he’d have to dream up another challenge, which would probably involve having to blow up your own paddleboard.

“If you don’t believe that the point of life is to aspire to reach a peaceful eternal afterlife, then what is the point?” he said. “That’s right: it’s trying to convince yourself that you’re still 20 until the hips and knees tell you otherwise.”  

The inaugural 'Tour de Itex Coast to Coast Dash Round the Triathlon Rock Hospice Half Sark to Monkey Breca Festival of Marathon Knockout' will take place next July. Entry fee will be the entrant's age x £5, so at least £225.

Medal comes pre-fitted in its own rarely opened man-drawer.

Warning: Definitely contains satire... and utter nonsense.

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