VIDEO: “Politics is showbusiness for ugly people”

Tuesday 06 September 2016

So, now it’s over to you. The 2016 Senatorial Election Roadshow came to a juddering halt in St Helier last night with the final hustings.

Despite being held in Wesley Grove Methodist Church, there was very little Christian charity on display from the candidates, who took turns to savage ministerial policies on immigration (e.g do we have one?) and finance – nearly all the candidates will be fighting plans to levy new charges for health, and to dispose of waste. But it was a blast from the past - the steam clock - which really got the meeting firing on all cylinders.

With around 200 people in the audience, the candidates had one final opportunity to beg, plead, cajole and demand the one vote from each eligible Islander which will be on offer from 08:00 tomorrow, for 12 hours only. 

From ‘Brexit Man’ (Mike Dun) to ‘Fixit Man’ (Guy de Faye), 'friend of the stars' (Stevie Ocean), ‘the candidate the ministers are praying doesn’t win’ (Sam Mezec), ‘we need an immigration app’ (Mary O’Keeffe-Burgher), ‘we have lost 10,000 tax payers’ (Sarah Ferguson), 'a fresh perspective' (Christian May), 'the socialist lawyer' (Nick Le Cornu), 'Mr honorary service' (Hugh Raymond) to ‘I’m not part of the establishment’ (John Young).

Continuing his disappearing act throughout these hustings, the ‘mystery man’ was Alvin Aaron, who is standing, but not attending.

For the candidates, this was their Last Supper, and you were about as likely to find one of them supporting the current Council of Ministers as there was backing for the Roman authorities at that final meal in first century Judea.

 So one point was clear for the voters of St Helier – all candidates would do 'it' differently – mainly in terms of tighter controls of immigration, and no more taxes masquerading as charges to help fill the impending black hole.

The candidates crossed the political spectrum (repeatedly, dizzyingly) from right to far left and back again, and gave their views on questions from divorce reform, mental health laws, disciplining civil servants, training young people, and whether they already had a job.

The meeting was chaired by Malcolm Ferey, Chief Executive of the CAB, who gave up his wedding anniversary to do the job. That was the first decision he regretted yesterday evening. 

For the first 90 minutes, he needed all the diplomatic skills built up through a long marriage to smooth the wrinkles in the meeting, with members of the audience heckling the candidates, the candidates fighting back (and each other), and some considerable frustration around the hall at the digression, repetition and failure to address what was being asked. 

But within sight of the end, it was a blast (of steam) from the past which really got the candidates cooking, and made Mr Ferey wish he was enjoying a romantic candle lit dinner with anyone, anyone apart from an election candidate.

After having his hand up to speak throughout the night, parishioner Frank O’Neill lost his patience and stood up to demand his right to speak at the meeting -  the Chairman tried to apply his ‘privilege’ and ask a final question himself instead – prompting Mr O’Neil to get up from his seat, walk right up to the candidates’ table, and begin to put his point to each candidate personally, and individually.

Under pressure from those candidates, the Chairman relented, and Mr O'Neill's questions stood: what did they think of the town Constable wanting the Parish to take over the payments for the Steam Clock? And what did they think of Transport Minister Eddie Noel?

Unsurprisingly, none of the candidates supported St Helier paying for the Steam Clock (really, at a St Helier hustings?), but they all took this prime opportunity to let off hot air.

And it was Deputy Noel who bore the brunt of blast after blast, with one candidate suggesting he be sold to Guernsey, and another asking him to eat the St Aubin sea lettuce for charity. There's nothing quite like an election candidate gifted an easy target. 

Quote of the night? It’s the one making up the headline for this article – “politics is show business for ugly people” – tomorrow, Jersey will decide who’s face fits – will it be a beauty from the hosts of angels or a phantom from the house of horrors? You decide.