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AGONY AUNT: "I'm fully obsessed with stalking people's profiles"


Sunday 24 July 2022

AGONY AUNT: "I'm fully obsessed with stalking people's profiles"

Sunday 24 July 2022

Let's be honest: we all love a social media stalk, don't we? But at what point does it go too far?

Jersey's favourite socialite turned agony aunt, Fenella Bond, had this to say to 'Nosy Parker in Noirmont'...

Dear Fenella,

Help! I’m fully obsessed with stalking people’s profiles on social media. Whether it’s someone who my friends just casually bring up in conversation, or people who I’ve got history with – I just can’t help myself.

It started as a harmless curiosity, but now I’m pretty sure I’m fully addicted and I can’t seem to give it up. It’s like finding out all these trivial details about people scratches some itch in my brain and I can’t kick the habit. Help me, Fenella!

Nosy Parker in Noirmont.

Hi babes,

I can tell from the tone of your letter, the fact that you wrote in using Times New Roman (the ugliest of the fonts) and that you said you needed help a lot in your message that you’re clearly in need of my help. My really good friend Gwyneth Paltrow has always remarked upon my great gut instincts and it’s true, I’ve always had a sixth sense about these things.

But genuinely, I am so glad that you’ve written to me. The first step is admitting you have a problem and I’m so proud of you not only for doing that, but for choosing to do it with yours truly, Jersey’s biggest boss babe and Agony Auntie Fenella Bond! I get so many letters every single week that I’ve had to sign up for the work experience scheme and get a kid to go through my fan mail for me. 

It hurts my heart that I can’t respond to everyone, but as soon as I read your letter, I knew you needed a healthy dose of my wisdom (Which reminds me, check out my new makeup line Fenella Wisdom™ - in all good stores NOW!) 

 I also want to commend you for your bravery. Social media stalking addiction is a real epidemic and not enough people are talking about it. So, inspired by your bravery, I’m also going to confess something of my own. It’s not easy for me to talk about this... but... I’m not a natural blonde. I’ve actually got very mousey brown hair like an ugly little weirdo.

likes social media.jpg

Pictured: "Social media stalking addiction is a real epidemic."

Urgh, I know it’s disgusting. My secret shame. But there you have it, Nosy, we all have our guilty secrets so don’t be too hard on yourself. And let me remind you that if I’ve managed to overcome the constant struggle of my truly yucky natural hair colour, then I have every faith you will conquer this problem as well.

The thing about stalking people’s social media profiles is that it is super fun and also very, very handy, right? Like, if you need to scope out someone before a first date, then you can just do a very quick background check. I like to pretend I’m working for MI5 or the FBI or the CIA or... whichever one does the cool spy stuff. Just like pretending you’re running an intelligence operation, but you’re literally just typing someone’s name into Facebook or Instagram.

I say this to let you know that I 100% get the fascination. But for you to write this letter in such – and I cannot stress this enough – an ugly, ugly font, you’re clearly in way over your head. But hey, it’s not all bad news, you’ve clocked that this isn’t serving you and you’re doing something about it. That’s like most of the hard work already done.

I wonder if maybe screentime is part of the problem. If you weren’t on your phone so much, it would perhaps remedy how much time you dedicate to your habit as you describe it. I recently did a screentime detox, inspired by another of my close personal friends Kourtney Kardashian, and here are some tips:

  • Ditch your smartphone for an oldy-worldy flip phone without the internet – it means you can’t stalk PLUS you’ll look like the fashionable lead from a noughties rom-com!

  • Replace screentime with another habit – every time you feel the urge to snoop on other people’s socials, just like do something else which is totally different and cute. For example, I got really into macramé! Soon you’ll have a completely different but not at all problematic addiction, and a bunch of woven plant holders LOVE THAT FOR YOU!

  • Be patient with yourself – it’s totally normal for it to take a little while to get used to. Just be kind to yourself and give your mind and body enough time to adjust to this new normal.


Pictured: Fenella recommends cutting down on screentime. 

People assume that because I’m stunning, popular, talented and the heiress to a massive fortune that I don’t have struggles. Cutting down my screentime to only nine hours a day was a major milestone for me, and I’m continuing to learn and push myself every single day. Don’t compare your progress to other people and like obviously don’t compare your progress to mine because you’ll only set yourself up for a fall. Only you know what is best for you and whatever positive changes you can bring about in your life is a true inspiration. 

And as someone who has been named 2022’s Inspirational Influencer, I say that with all the love and authenticity I have. 

I believe in you, and I know you can overcome this if you really put your mind to it. Just go out there and boss it!!!

Peace and love,

Auntie Fenella xxx

This column first appeared in Connect Magazine, which you can read in full HERE.

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