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Jersey's favourite socialite has been called upon again, this time to advise an islander fed up with wasting her time scrolling through dating apps.
Fenella Bond had this to say to 'Single in St. Saviour'...
Dear Fenella,
I’m at the end of my tether with these godforsaken dating apps! Everyone is either a creep or a ghoster and I cannot bring myself to go on another date with guy who is seemingly incapable of talking about anything other than himself. What is wrong with the world? I’m ready for a relationship and I don’t want to end up alone, but I’ve got the worst luck! Why am I wasting my time with these losers? How am I supposed to find the one when the process of looking for him is making me feel like crap?
Send help and the man of my dreams please!
Single in St. Saviour xxx
Hi babes,
Yikes! I couldn’t decide whether or not to respond to your letter because, if I’m totally honest with you right now, the vivid descriptions of being single were suuuuuper triggering. But then I called my totally gorgeous hunk of a boyfriend who I’m in a kind and loving relationship with and that made me feel so much better. So don’t worry, I’m fine and definitely don’t want you to feel bad for flaring up my PTSD from my single days.
Whilst me and my cutie-pie (that’s my pet name for him – adorbs, right?) were whispering sweet nothings down the phone to each other, I realised that my main priority is giving back. So, I decided I’m going to pay the love that my significant other gives me forward to someone less fortunate (you).
You're so welcome.
First of all, none of the dating world is about luck. There’s no such thing as being lucky when it comes to love.
Pictured: "It’s all about pretending to be what a man wants and then slowly, slowly revealing your true self across several years."
I’m basically saying that you need to change your entire personality to snag an eligible bachelor. But I’m sure you know this already.
I presume you’ve seen the films Grease, The Breakfast Club and Miss Congeniality – they make it as clear as day that your crush will only go out with you if you completely change everything about yourself to meet their idea of what is/isn’t attractive.
Look, I know what you’re thinking: “But Fenella, Fenella Bond, the most gorgeous and intelligent influencer and voice of a generation I’ve ever had the pleasure to address... I want a partner who appreciates me for who I am and is genuinely interested in forming a connection with me.
"Isn’t all this talk about changing who I am to make myself more palatable to men merely a dated view of a world which centres the male gaze over the wellbeing of the women it objectifies as mere vessels of patriarchal desire and pleasure??”
To that I would say: “Omg thanks so much for saying all that nice stuff about me!! You’re right, I am the voice of a generation.”
Pictured: "For example, my bf and I are still in the stage where he thinks I like craft beer and Formula One."
It’s not to say that you can’t be yourself with your boyfriend eventually, but the rules of dating are like totally as old as time: fake it until you make it.
I mean you’re probably going to pretend you never fart and always wear matching underwear for at least the first two years of your relationship anyway, so why not throw in some other lies to cast your net a bit wider?
You never know what lucky guy you might meet in the process!
You’ll be able to be your authentic self soon enough, but give it like 10 years or so.
According to my timeline, I’ve got another three years of drinking the disgusting liquid that claims to be citrus IPA and feigning enjoyment whilst watching cars drive around in circles until I can initiate the phase-out strategy.
That way, you can drip feed who you actually are in a non-threatening way until you’re at a level of commitment in the relationship where even if he doesn’t like who you are he’s too far-gone to do anything about it.
Sigh... I just love love. Can’t wait to marry him and trap him in my romantic snare until death do us part!
Pictured: "Or, alternatively, you could just manifest yourself a ‘Sex and the City’ lifestyle like I did."
When I was single, I would only leave the house if I had a fresh blowout, was wearing a killer outfit and I would linger in places where eligible men gather (the bank, the gym, talks about cryptocurrency) and look both lost and deep in thought at the same time until a stranger asked me out for margaritas at some trendy spot in town.
Worked like a charm.
I don’t know, maybe you’re just not like manifesting a boyfriend hard enough? Have you tried whispering that you want a relationship into a glass of water and then drinking the water?
Just do everything I’ve suggested, and you’ll be so totally fine! Can’t wait to get an invite to the wedding, babes!
Love you long time,
Auntie Fenella xxx
This article first appeared in Connect Magazine, which you can read in full below...
