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NEWS EYE: Your Christmas Gift Guide (Part 1)

NEWS EYE: Your Christmas Gift Guide (Part 1)

Friday 11 December 2020

NEWS EYE: Your Christmas Gift Guide (Part 1)

Friday 11 December 2020

Although it will be “a very different” Christmas this year, it doesn’t mean we can’t all get stressed about what presents to buy our loved ones.

But this year, you can break the habit of that last-minute panic buy on Amazon or mad dash into town by choosing something from New Eye’s exclusive Christmas gift guide.

There’s something for everyone in your bubble!

1. Covial Pursuit

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A new edition of the classic board game.

Test your knowledge of the pandemic and collect cheeses on the way, but only after standing in a 45-minute queue at the deli counter.

Tough questions include: “If you are an indirect contact of a direct contact of someone who was asymptomatic until Day 3 but then symptomatic after that, should you take a PCR test on Day 2, 8, or 10 or not at all?” And “The Government’s response to the pandemic is a costly overreaction to a predictable seasonal virus that is actually causing fewer deaths this year than normal flu does in other years. True or False?”

2. Council of Ministers action figures

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A new range of action figures featuring your favourite ministers, each with their own unique sounds and effects.

The latest addition is a Children and Housing figure, with glow-in-the-dark hair and a draw chord at the back. Upon pulling, the figure says: “Yes, Mr Visiting Ambassador, I really am a Minister” and “Students, don’t ask me - find your own way home”.

3. Lego New Hospital

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The most expensive Lego kit ever created, putting Hogwarts and the Imperial Star Destroyer to shame.

This £804m present will keep your kids amused for years, possibly decades, as they try to put all the pieces in place. For an extra challenge, why not tell them that they can only build it at the top of a hill?

With no set design, there are multiple ways your kids can build the hospital, based on clinical adjacencies, future care models, and just how they’re feeling at the time.

4. PCR test board game

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From the makers of the popular board game Operation comes a new challenge testing hand-eye coordination.

Players first have to sit in their car for two hours before they take it in turns to avoid setting off an adverse polymerase chain reaction with a tiny swab. An alarm sounds if you stick it in the wrong orifice.

5. Slime for kids


Children love playing with brightly coloured slime and, for the first time, you can buy some Genuine Jersey locally made goo, siphoned off the streams and ponds of St. Ouen’s Bay.

Guidance: please wash hands after use. And everything else. And for goodness sake, don’t eat it.

6. Walking guide to Jersey: new edition

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A new helpful guide to help you explore the quieter parts of the island, where you’re unlikely to see a soul, including the Airport departures’ hall, sixth-form common rooms, the Weighbridge on a Friday night, the Condor booking office, and Broad Street. 

7. The Fondalorian action figure 


As a member of the Guild of Accountants, the Fondalorian is able to introduce measures that significantly impinge civil liberties by saying, with all the compassion of a robotic bounty hunter, “This Is The Way."

The Fondalorian comes armed with a special Caveat Blaster, which allows him to fire 28 caveats into a single sentence in less than a second. He can also throw Subordinate Clause Grenades which can obliterate any sense or meaning in an instant, leaving the recipient confused, helpless and all tied up.

Bonus gift!

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Your Fondalorian comes free with a “Baby Lynda”, who is able to disappear into his floating cradle at the first sign of trouble.

8. Book: The New River and the Light, by Hilary Mantel

Hilary Mantel New River.jpeg

The final instalment in the award-winning trilogy documenting the rise and fall of Sir Thomas Parkwell, the clever, ruthless and unscrupulous adviser to the King.

After ascending to the height of his powers, having seen off the threat of Sir Kris More, this closing novel charts Sir Thomas’s fall from grace, as both former allies and longstanding critics attack his doctrinal radicalism and reform of the Broad (Street) Church.  

9. Council of Ministers jigsaw

Council of Ministers jigsaw.jpeg

A most difficult jigsaw to put together, with pieces sitting on the left, pieces on the right, pieces in the middle, pieces that don’t belong and pieces that don’t quite fit.

Recently lost pieces have been replaced but the new pieces aren’t the same shape or size. 

10. New gadget: The telecounter


The perfect invention to keep you amused this Christmas, the telecounter combines a telescope with a counter, allowing you to spy on your neighbours AND keep track of how many people are coming in and out of their front door.

If the counter goes above ten, you can get your own back on them for playing their music too loud over the summer, by dobbing them into the Honoraries.

Testimonial: “Since I bought my telecounter, I‘ve called the police eight times, with most of my neighbours being led away into incarceration. It’s brilliant!” - Richard R, St. Ouen.

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