Grief is complex to navigate as an adult, but how do children cope with the idea that a loved one is not coming home? That is the question one woman is bringing to Jersey this week, as she shares her story of when her father never returned home from army deployment.
Alix Hale is set to speak at a St George’s Day event tomorrow about her dad Captain Mark Hale, who was fatally wounded in a bomb attack in Afghanistan in 2009.
He was the longest serving British soldier to be killed in the conflict, and among the first from Northern Ireland.
The last time Alix saw her dad alive, she was just eight years old.
Now a 24-year-old politics graduate, Alix has channelled her grief into a platform to raise awareness for the support her family received from the Army Benevolent Fund after their devastating loss.
“I didn’t even know that we needed help”
As the headline speaker at Jersey’s Roast Beef Luncheon fundraiser tomorrow, Alix will discuss the importance of understanding childhood grief and supporting families affected by war.
The luncheon is held on the closest Friday to St George’s Day, and has so far raised a share of over half-a-million-pounds for the ABF and local veteran causes.
The ABF supports direct beneficiaries like Alix and her sister throughout their lives, as well as providing grant funding for smaller British veteran charities offering tailored support.
Alix said: “I really can’t stress how dire of a situation my family would have been in.
“I had no idea at the time that the charity were the ones who sheltered us from what was happening.
“I didn’t even know that we needed help.”
“My dad’s face had just left the front pages of the newspapers”
The school fees of Alix and her sister were paid for by the Ministry of Defence during her father’s military career.
But his death meant they had to deal with a media frenzy while changing schools in a matter of days.
Alix said: “I cannot imagine what it would have been like for me having to start a brand-new school barely a week after my dad’s face had just left the front pages of the newspapers.
“Even going back into school where my classmates knew me, there were still lots of questions about what happened to my dad. It was quite confusing.”
“Grief is a huge part of who I am”
Alix is still navigating her grief 15 years later, but is determined to use her platform to give back to the charity that gave her vital support.
She wants her audiences to understand the unique challenges of growing up with grief – which she said changes form but never goes away.
“I really struggled with my grief growing up as a teenager,” explained Alix.
“I didn’t really know what to do with it, or how to deal with it, and working with the charity gave me a really healthy way to channel it.”
She added: “I don’t like the term of defining me, but grief is a huge part of who I am and how I became who I am, and that’s really important to pay a nod to.”
Alix said that childhood grief as a result of war is not spoken about as much as it should be, given how many families it affects around the world.
“When you hear that somebody has died, you often think about their partner,” she said.
“I was so young at the time that I sort of just went with the flow, and that’s where I got caught out, because nobody thought when I was 13 or 14, that they should check in on me.”
“It doesn’t need to be perfect words”
Alix said that she wants to raise awareness of the importance of not being afraid to talk to grieving children who may not know how else to communicate their feelings.
“When things have happened and I needed help, quite a few people I’ve come across, haven’t had the awareness to think that’s maybe something we should look out for,” she said.
“I think people don’t really know how to approach the conversation, but it doesn’t need to be perfect words – it just needs to open the box.”
Alix added: “There’s a lot of apprehension around people not wanting to ask because they don’t want to make someone upset.
“The reality is you didn’t need to ask for me to be upset about my dad.”
“I can’t live my life being scared”
During her time in Jersey, Alix will also speak at two schools, discussing the theme of resilience – a skill she has mastered in the fifteen years since losing her dad, and still uses today.
Alix said: “Part of growing up with that grief is, I feel like the worst has happened, and I’m really hoping that I’m not proof that there could be something worse than that.
“I’m equipped now with the right coping mechanisms to be able to deal with that stuff as it comes.”
She added: “I can’t live my life being scared, so you’ve got to find a way to get on with it.”
Flying to Jersey for St George’s Day reminds Alix of the “fiercely proud Englishman” that Captain Hale was.
“Dad loved being English – English first and then British,” she said.
“St George’s Day is not as commercially big, but we would always find a way as a family to nod to it.”
But she is most looking forward to once again talking about her dad, and keeping his memory alive.
“There’s a price to war which people don’t often see, but it long outlasts the length of the conflict,” said Alix.
“I pay a cost for the Afghanistan war far longer than what the government might realise, or anybody else might realise – and the ABF is just helping people along that way.”
“For me, it is about saying thank you [to the ABF], and I also get to talk about my dad, which makes me really, really happy.”
GET INVOLVED…
You can hear Alix speak at the Roast Beef Luncheon on Friday 25 April.
The event will be raising money for the Jersey branch of the Army Benevolent Fund and veteran mental health charity, Rock2Recovery.