Priest starts conversation on suicidal thoughts

Wednesday 16 October 2019

A Catholic priest with bipolar disorder is set to discuss his experience with suicidal thoughts to "open up the conversation" about a subject often deemed taboo.

Father Conor Stainton-Polland is one of three speakers taking part in mental health charity Mind Jersey’s ‘Let’s Talk About Suicide’ event tonight at 19:00 at Jersey Arts Centre.

He will be joined by Dr Miguel Garcia, Jersey's Associate Medical Director for Mental Health, and Natalie Claire, who lost a family member to suicide. 

Mind organised the free talk to roughly coincide with World Mental Health Day (10 October), and organisers hope it will educate islanders and encourage discussion about suicide and bereavement.

Pictured: The free talk will take place at the Arts Centre.

“The evening will explore why it’s important that we learn to talk about suicide to help prevention and to support when loss to suicide has happened,” Stephen McCrimmon, Carer and Family Support Manager at Mind Jersey, explained. 

“There is much stigma and fear when we mention the word suicide and it is important we know what to say if we are concerned about someone ending their life. Asking direct questions about suicidal thoughts will not put the idea into someone’s mind, finding out if they have a plan is vital to getting immediate help.”

“It’s hard to know what to say when someone dies,” Mr McCrimmon added. “When it’s by suicide, it can be even harder to know what to say. Even if you are feeling unsure, it is better to speak to someone than avoid them. The evening will look at what can be helpful and unhelpful when talking to someone bereaved by suicide.”

Pictured: Dr Miguel Garcia, Jersey's Associate Medical Director for Mental Health.

Father Conor, of St Matthew's and St Cecilia's Church in Liverpool, has been open about his own experiences over the past few years to help others going through the same thing.

Father Conor first spoke out about being diagnosed bipolar and his experience of suicidal thoughts during the launch of Paul’s Place, a counselling service for those bereaved by suicide in Liverpool. Since then, he has gone on to speak at various conferences and events. 

Representatives of Mind Jersey heard him and decided to invite him to the island so that he could share his unique perspective with islanders.

“I talk about suicide from a perspective of understanding,” Father Conor, who sadly lost three family members to suicide, explained. “I try to talk about being affected by suicide as part of a family, and having suicidal thoughts.”

Pictured: Father Conor has decided to be open about his own experiences in the hope it will help others going through the same things he did.

While Father Conor admits that there are “certain expectations” people have of a Catholic priest, he says talking openly about his struggles helps show that mental health does not discriminate.

“I am a priest - I do lots of things in the church. Being open about it shows that it can be anyone. It could be you, it could be anyone,” he explained.

“People are surprised to start with. When a priest stands up, there are preconceptions. I describe how suicide has affected me and I think it moves people. By the end of the talk, they understand. I try not to hide it away. It’s important to understand that lots of people go through this.” 

Father Conor says that since he started being more vocal about his experience, the reaction from the church has been really supportive. “I have had nothing but positive reactions from the church. I have not had any bad experiences.” 

Pictured: Father Conor says the response from the church has been nothing but positive. 

This, he says, shows that the church has changed its stance regarding suicide. “People’s opinions are based on 50 or 60 years ago when society’s response, not just the church, was not as open.

“People think that they can’t have a mass for someone who has died by suicide. I always say, if someone comes to you with a suicide, give them whatever they want. It’s so important for the family to see the grief acknowledged. It also gives them somewhere to go in the dark moments they might experience themselves.” 

In addition to speaking at events, Father Conor has done some training with members of the church in London and Liverpool. “I start talking about my own experience and then I ask how as a church we can be more open before and after,” he explained. 

“Beforehand, we can be watchful, look out for people in our parishes. If we see someone is coming in for the first time and appears lost, we can approach people and help them.”

Pictured: Father Conor wants people to get better at talking about suicide before it happens.

While Father Conor has seen more understanding around suicide recently, he thinks there is still a lot of work to be done to help those who experience suicidal thoughts. “We have gotten better at dealing with [suicide] afterwards but beforehand, we are still very bad at talking about it,” he said.

“If I have experienced these moments, I need to talk about it so that people do not feel like they are alone. There are other people out there who have been through the same thing, they are not on their own.”

“This is my first time in Jersey,” Father Conor added. “It’s something that is important for people in the islands. We need to continue the journey of opening up the conversation. People should not carry this on their own, there are people who understand them. There is a tomorrow.”