COMMENT: Why I’ve decided to become a life coach

Sunday 23 February 2020

Dear Diary... It’s official. I am a new woman.

The same effortlessly fantastic hair, the same ass that won’t quit; but a totally reformed, transformed woman. Can you believe it? I cannot believe that for all these years I have been living half an existence and refusing to unlock my true potential. I have been missing the point my entire life. Now I’ve found my true calling, I can honestly say that I have reached peak inner peace.

I, Fenella Bond, am a life coach. Oh wow, what a rush! It actually feels really empowering to say it out loud. I guess, Diary, I’ve always known something was...different. I always felt like there was something inexplicable that I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, like I wasn’t being my most authentic self. And now, now it’s clear as day.

I’ve spent so much time trying to fix my own perfect life, that I’ve been depriving the world of my true talents and skills set – I need to fix other people’s lives! It’s such a simple, organic solution to years of struggle and it was under my nose the entire time. Oh yes, I suppose I should go back a few steps so everyone’s on the same page. I LOVE this story.

After all the drama of New Year’s Eve (where I basically rejected a very attractive man just because I COULD) suddenly I felt like a new day was dawning for Fenella. Finally, I was valuing myself intrinsically, rather than as some plaything for the next emotionally immature man-child with the jawline of a Greek god that happened to cross my path.

To celebrate my more centred, modest self-fulfilled attitude to life, naturally I needed to inform all of my Instagram followers about my epiphany. As I was relentlessly googling empowering slogans to emblazon my self-discovery posts with, I stumbled upon the thing that was to change me forever – on a spiritual level. A video, titled: “HOW TO BE THE BEST YOU.” I kid you not, diary, I had goose bumps up and down my perfectly sun-kissed arms (thank you, fake tan). It was fate. Not a carefully curated web search algorithm designed to keep me online for longer, so that I can never achieve any of my goals and be condemned to live forever in an echo chamber of self-congratulation with no way out. No, it was fate. For sure.

Pictured: Fenella informed her followers of her new attitude to life.

It was literally like every single thing that the motivational speaker said was about me...

“Are you a naturally generous friend who longs to give to others but often finds their big heart stifled by a suffocating environment?” - Um, YES.

“Do you give great advice, but find yourself struggling to follow your own words of wisdom?” - Most definitely!

“Are you a people person, but normally social interaction leaves you with an unshakeable sense of emptiness, embarrassment and inadequacy?” - Okay, this is getting spooky now...!

“Then the answer is here...”

At this point I switched off, because honestly who has time to listen to an eight-minute video? Come on already it’s 2020, people! Also, I kept getting these incessant pop-up ads for online therapists – so weird. But I knew what the video was trying to tell me: I am a special kind of person that walks the earth but once in a generation, and I had to do something to share my gift with the world.

After consulting several ‘how to’ guides about becoming a life coach, it became apparent that I needed several very specialised qualifications – YAWN. Who actually studies anymore? I mean, honestly, the only school I need to attend is life. And yes, Diary, that was my first post on my brand-new life coach insta – ‘Your perfect life.’ After spending a bomb buying some new outfits in keeping with my new aesthetic, I was ready to snap some pics and start changing some lives.

Pictured: Fenella looked for guidance from life coaching guides.

At drinks with the girls that night, I decided to accrue some new followers and maybe get my first client.

“Yeah so after watching that video, which like really spoke to me, I realised that I have always been denying my one true purpose which is helping people be more like me. Which is why I’ve decided to become a life coach! What do you guys think?” Under tinted, extended lashes, three pairs of eyes blinked back at me – Franka’s, Jem’s and Lou’s – for a couple of seconds, before all three lipsticked mouths burst into what can only be described as fits of laughter.

Rude.

I’d finished my G&T by the time they reined it in, without so much as a smile playing about my face. They looked back at me sheepishly before Franka broke the silence: “Oh shit. I think she’s serious.”

“Of course, I’m serious!” I asserted – a little more loudly and much less convincing than I was going for. Franka was loving it. “But, darling, you’re chaos. I mean, we love you for it, but you don’t even like listening to any of our problems...”

I could feel tears welling up in both eyes, desperate not to cry so as to cling to whatever shred of dignity I had left. “That’s- that’s not true—”

Jem chimed in: “Oh, Lala, you know we love you. It’s just we didn’t have you pegged as a yoga-pants wearing life guru. A social media influencer – sure – but a life coach...” She only calls me Lala when I’m mad at her. I looked at Lou for some comfort, but she just averted her eyes, almost whispering: “I don’t want to get involved.”

“Come on, darling,” (Franka again) “let’s get you another drink, you’ll get over this fad by tomorrow just like you always do.”

I shrugged her hand off my arm. I’ve never felt more embarrassed and undermined in my entire life, and I once asked if Engelbert Humperdink was an infectious disease in front of a bunch of loafer-wearing mansplainers.

“No I don’t want another drink, Franka. I can’t believe this. You’re supposed to be my friends.”

Pictured: After sharing her dream, Fenella didn't receive the reaction she hoped for from her friends. 

And with that – after fumbling a little with the fussy high stool that every trendy bar insists on having instead of human-sized chairs – out I stormed. Step one to realising your dreams: cut out toxic friendships.

Disheartened, dying for another gin, but always yours,>

Fenella xxx

Columnist Fenella Bond is living the life of a 21st century professional woman in Jersey. She may be the new high-flying career junkie in your office; she may be you, as you read about her next attempt at building the perfect life.Go on, take a look. Does she look right? If so, that's probably Fenella.

Her latest column first appeared in Connect Magazine, which you can read in full by clicking HERE.