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"Am I being unreasonable for asking my brother-in-law to bring his own vegetarian option for Christmas dinner?"
Each month, we call upon Jersey's favourite socialite – Fenella Bond – to help readers through the trials and tribulations of island life.
But in a festive twist this month, we handed over the column to another Connect Magazine regular, 'Deadly Diary'... Strap in for what may be an ever so slightly more brutal edition...
DISCLAIMER: DD doesn’t have enough emotional intelligence to read any of the letters in their entirety or to write a response to a single dilemma that will fill his stoopid editor’s word count, so he took the liberty of responding to certain bits of multiple letters. Basically, he’s ready for his festive hibernation and he only took this job in the hopes that Fenella might give him her number. That plan didn’t work out and now he’s stuck having to think about OTHER PEOPLE and their FEELINGS. Love stinks.
Right, well, let’s get this over with...
Am I being unreasonable for asking my brother-in-law to bring his own vegetarian option for Christmas dinner? I’m cooking for 15 people, all meat-eaters and he’s the only veggie. My sister is making me out to be some kind of Grinch not making him feel welcome.
Genuinely do you people not have anything better to do with your lives than worry about stuff like this? Okay, right, well in DD’s honest opinion, you’re not being unreasonable enough. DD reckons you should pretend to make something vegetarian for him that actually is full of meat. Sit back and enjoy yourself as the anaemic freak tucks into his third portion and begs you for the recipe. That’ll teach him to care about animal welfare and take responsibility for his carbon footprint.
Pictured: "DD reckons you should pretend to make something vegetarian for him that actually is full of meat."
Also, side note, please don’t use the term ‘Grinch’ as an insult, it’s offensive to all grumpy monstrous creatures and we need to destigmatise being hateful.
NEXT!
There’s something about the holidays that makes being single so much harder. I’m really struggling with it this year, mostly because my boyfriend and I split up a few months ago and I’m not over the breakup. Do you think I should text him to reconcile so I’ve got some company for the festive season??
Pictured: "I’m really struggling with it this year, mostly because my boyfriend and I split up a few months ago and I’m not over the breakup."
Being alone at Christmas is quite simply the best way to do it. You can eat whatever you want, you don’t have to wear people clothes and there’s no pressure to “have fun” or “be nice” or “not cause a breach of the peace by singing WHAM at the top of your lungs”. Why on Earth would you want an EX-boyfriend to come between you and your solo Christmas bliss. When someone walks out of your life, let them go. Speaking of which, DD is also walking out of this conversation because you’re giving off a very needy vibe.
NEXT!
Fenella, I’m a huge fan of your whole approach to life. I basically want to be you! So, I’d love to know if you make New Year’s Resolutions and if so, what are yours for 2024? Can’t wait for you to write me back! Also, follow me back on Instagram, bestie!!!
Yikes. Stalker alert! Sorry to disappoint, but you are through to DD, not Fenella. That’s right. DD is the Captain now. Um, how can DD put this nicely... New Year’s Resolutions are for dummies who think an arbitrary date in the calendar will magically transform them into a different person. If you hate yourself just say that. Don’t make a weird childish list to imply all the things you would change about yourself if you could.
Pictured: "Resolutions are for dummies who think an arbitrary date in the calendar will magically transform them into a different person."
People don’t change. DD only has one New Year’s Resolution every year and that is to stay exactly the same. Hope that helps, ‘babes’!!!
NEXT!
I’ve never been a fan of the festive season, but all my family and friends put so much pressure on me to enjoy myself. I would much rather pretend Christmas was just a normal day, but it’s like no one can accept that I’m just never going to get into it. How do I get everyone to back off and leave me alone to my Bah Humbug lifestyle?
Finally, someone who gets it! People are the actual worst, aren’t they? No matter what, people will always find a way to be annoying. DD finds the best way to deal with this level of mild irritation is just to not ever form meaningful relationships with anyone, so you don’t have to deal with their opinions about how you live your life. It’s just easier that way. You’re welcome.
Although, not gonna lie, it is a bit weird how much you hate Christmas, dude. DD’s whole brand is hating stuff, but like, it’s Christmas. Just eat a mince pie and stop being so weird about it. Jeez.
Pictured: "Just eat a mince pie and stop being so weird about it. Jeez."
Okay, sorry everyone, but that’s just about as much emotion as DD can manage this time of year. Because you’re all so needy, here are some general pieces of advice that hopefully can be applied to whatever you’re going through right now...
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Season’s Greetings, you filthy animals.
Keep calm and always, always listen to DD.
Cheers,
Your Deadly Uncle, DD
This column first appeared in the December 2023/January 2024 edition of Connect Magazine – read the digital edition in full below...
