Jersey's socialite-turned-agony aunt Fenella Bond reflects on what is apparently the most loving day of the year... and how you ought to process it.
Here's what she had to say in the February edition of Connect Magazine...
Hi all of you babes, I'm doing something a little bit different this month. That's right. Your girl Fenella is taking charge.
Can you tell something’s changed just from the tone of my writing? Well, you’re right. I’ve just had my highlights done, thank you so much for noticing.
I love this time of year, I’m fully in swing with my New Year’s resolutions of being badasser, bossier and blonderer than ever and I’m taking no prisoners. The word ‘icon’ has been banded about to describe me, but I’m just a girlboss trying to make her way in this crazy world.
I’ve had HUNDREDS and I mean HUNDREDS of letters from my adoring public all about the biggest event of the calendar year: Valentine’s Day. Here are just a few extracts...
Pictured: ’ve had HUNDREDS and I mean HUNDREDS of letters...
“Fenella, I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day! Should I give the creepy guy from my office a chance? Desperate times call for desperate booty calls!”
“Help! I’m hosting Galentine’s for the first time and the pressure of empowering all my single friends is getting to me. What should I do??"
“Is it ever okay to have a first date on Valentine’s Day?”
“I miss my ex, can I send her a cheeky Valentine’s text?”
Clearly, you are all buckling under the burden of this season of love, so instead of responding to just one of your whiny, naïve letters – I’m going to address all of your luuuurrrve worries in one, bumper Vally Day 101 edition.
Now, first things first. This holiday always comes with a lot of stress. There is a lot of pressure to have the most perfect, romantic day filled with incredibly superficial gestures and gifts. And that pressure is completely and utterly...correct and true.
Pictured: This holiday always comes with a lot of stress...
If anyone tries to say that Valentines is just a ‘consumerist’ holiday designed to guilt people into spending extortionate amounts of money, and that they don’t need a day to show you they love you because they show you every day. GET OUT OF THERE. BIG RED FLAG.
This person is probably broke, or cynical, and why would you want to be with someone like that?
As soon as New Year’s is over, it’s time to get prepping for Valentine’s Day. You need to hit the January sales to find the perfect slinky number either for your singles night out or romantic dinner. You’ve got to think about the whole look: hair, makeup, nails, outfit, perfume, shoes. Planning is everything!
You can only spend Valentine’s Day with your single friends or a romantic interest who you have been dating PRIOR TO 15TH JANUARY. If you meet someone new at midnight on 16th January, then you simply cannot spend the big day with them. It’s too early and you’ll either drastically over- or underestimate how much to spend on their presents. Cut things off at the source and ghost them until end of Feb so you can spend Valentine’s Day single. It’s kinder that way.
If your Valentine’s Day isn’t documented minute-by-minute on your socials, then did it even really happen? Make sure you have great lighting and makeup touch-ups on hand so that every moment can be immortalised on the internet for strangers and (most importantly) for your ex’s to see you’re way hotter and happier without them. That’s what love is really all about.
Pictured: If your Valentine’s Day isn’t documented minute-by-minute on your socials, then did it even really happen?
No matter how lonely or heartbroken you might feel on 14 February, you need to pull it together for that one day so that you’re not sliding into an old flame’s DMs when you should be sliding your number into a new prospect’s phone. There is no backwards, only forward. Focus on your romantic future. Trust me.
I’m a big advocate for self-love obvs, I’m basically the face of it. But Valentine’s is all about other people loving you. External validation and affection is the name of the game. It’s not about feeling comfortable with who you are and working on yourself until you’re ready to receive love in the way you deserve. No, no, no. It’s all about taking every and any drop of attention you possibly can. Good luck.
Ugh, it’s so emotionally draining to be this wise and generous sometimes. You are all so welcome. And remember, if you have no one to love you on Valentine’s Day then just know that I love you (from a safe distance and not so much that it actually distracts from my real and very happy relationship with a total hunk who is obsessed with me)
Auntie Fenella xxx
This article first appeared in Connect Magazine, which you can read in full below...
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