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It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. I haven’t had my roots done, or my lady garden preened in over four months!
Right now, the future is so uncertain for so many of us. Will I ever have a manicure again? Will I ever find true love? What’s the point of doing yoga when I have a permanent pit of existential dread inside of me?
These are the questions on everybody’s lips, and as per usual, your friendly neighbourhood socialite is here to save the day. In my new line of work as life coach extraordinaire, I’ve been coming up with some littérature (yes, it’s so good, it’s French) for all of my oh-so-needy clients desperate for some direction in life... a horoscope!
You’re welcome in advance (classic Aries).
20 January –18 February
The world is not ready for your jelly. At least it hasn’t been up until now. This month is your time to SHINE and you should seize the opportunity with both hands. Whether that’s a big promotion at work, getting the cute cashier’s number after weeks of back and forth, or just biting the bullet and starting your macramé business. Prosperity is lapping you up this month so it’s now or never. No pressure.
Pictured: "Prosperity is lapping you up this month so it’s now or never. No pressure."
19 February – 20 March
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Pisces, but it’s clear from the stars that this month is going to be a total write-off for you. Love-wise, career-wise, anything else-wise just don’t even bother. The retrogrades and ascendants are not looking kindly upon literally anything you attempt to do this month so you may as well not bother. Sorry, not sorry.
21 March –19 April
Ugh. Life is so hard for us Aries – am I right? Even though we’re always around to hear everyone else’s problems, who is there for us? Now’s a chance to take a moment for yourself because it’s LOUD and CLEAR that no one else is going to do that for you.
Pictured: "Now’s a chance to take a moment for yourself."
Quit waiting around for someone to be your knight in shining armour and do what Aries do best: be a badass b***h who gets what she wants, when she wants it.
20 April – 20 May
Ooh, gal. Whatever you thought you were going to be doing this month: you are about to be surprised, confused, and a feeling a little bit spicy. My advice to you is to roll with the punches because you might just exceed your own expectations. You may have been feeling in a bit of a rut lately so dye your hair a crazy colour and brace yourself for a whole buttload of major transformation.
21 May – 20 June
Now, I’m only going to say this once so I’m hoping both of you freaky twins are paying attention. You’ve really got to get over your inner saboteur and listen to number one (or in your case, number ones) in order to make any progress this month. Get a move on and stop being such a dithering mess. Also, open your mind and your heart to tough love.
21 June – 22 July
This month is all about the important people in your life. The focus is on platonic relationships, but you never know what the stars could bring forth in the romance department.
Pictured: Fenella foresees that platonic relationships will be important for the Cancer signs this month.
They have a tendency to keep you on your toes so keep it fresh and try to say ‘yes’ more often. It might open you up to some exciting opportunities.
23 July – 22 August
Sorry, friend, but you’re going to have to be everyone’s rock this month. Your friendships and family are all so up in the air and loopy because of, er... the moons and stuff, so you have to step up big time to keep them grounded. Yeah, I know that you already have a lot going on, but you can’t argue with the stars. I don’t make the rules, buddy. Get your act together, and fast.
23 August – 22 September
This month is going to be easy breezy for a cool cat like you. Everything will be totally effortless. You’ll have great hair days, you might even rock a kooky hat that you wouldn’t have dared try any other month and, overall, everything you touch will turn to gold.
Pictured: There could be a "kooky hat" on the horizon for Virgos this month.
Honestly, I don’t have any advice for you except keep living your best life, you absolute goddess.
23 September – 22 October
As the great Rihanna once said, this month is all about work, work, work, work, work, work. Focus on bringing your creative side into your day job and you might just open yourself up to a more fulfilling routine. Oh, also stay away from the colour green. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
23 October – 21 November
Honestly the best thing you could do for the people in your life this month is change your whole personality. I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this, Scorpio, but you’re kind of a lot. No one can handle your drama, no one wants to get wrapped up in your mood swings and NO ONE wants to listen to your podcast. Just take the month off from being you, for everyone’s sake.
22 November – 21 December
Ahh, Sagittarius. You are always keeping things classy. All the upheaval of recent months have really taken their toll on your normally sunny disposition. Right now, it's time to regroup and finally pursue the thing you’ve been putting off for so long.
Pictured: "Right now, it's time to regroup and finally pursue the thing you’ve been putting off for so long."
Life is giving you a chance to make a real difference and resting on your laurels is no longer an option.
December 22 – January 19
Life may have laid you real low, but recent events need only be more fuel to your fire. Try to block out the voices in your head (real or imagined) telling you you’re not good enough and be your own cheerleader. What you lack in confidence you make up for in sheer hard work and tenacity and the only person who needs convincing of that is you. This isn’t your life waiting to happen, this is it. So, go out and buy those stiletto heels. You deserve them!
Mystically, magically yours,
Fenella xxx
