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The Sarnians battered Jersey in a Christmas Eve football match played during a truce in the battle against covid.
Jersey were left humiliated and humbled by the superior approach of their near neighbour, who played a blinder from the whistle, winning the match 100 goals to nil.
In the short pause in fighting, Jersey’s players - led by Private Le Fondré (WABC) - had climbed out of their congested, pox-ridden trench wearing gas masks and moth-eaten tunics to take on Guernsey, who stepped energetically out of their air-conditioned bunker wearing the latest Nike kit and Adidas Copa Mundial football boots.
Led by Colonel Ferbrache with Majors St Pier, Brink and Soulsby in support, Guernsey were soon on the scoresheet when Le Fondré scored an embarrassing own goal early on by saying everyone could still go on holiday when it was clear covid had arrived.
It went from bad to worse for the Caesareans, whose game plan was woeful compared to the Greens. The Sarnians were impregnable in their defence, and shut out attack after attack through discipline, holding their nerve and employing solid tactics.
The Reds, on the other hand, were in a complete mess - spending a fortune (rumoured to be around £400m) on players that simply didn’t perform. Private Le Fondré tried to rally his troops but it was done in such an ineffectual way that no one on his team appeared to be listening.
Jersey weren’t helped by the fact that everyone standing on the sidelines was from Guernsey because Jersey fans weren’t allowed to gather in crowds of more than a ten-man platoon.
At halftime, when the sun briefly shone over the pitch and everyone basked in its warmth, the score was only 3-1 with Jersey looking smug and seemingly in control.
Being a war and all that, there were no scantily clad cheerleaders during the interval to provide some well-needed entertainment.
Fortunately, Sarnian Sergeant Gollop plugged his iPad into a projector to show some well-needed eye-candy to the battle-hardened troops.
In the second half, Jersey’s team looked tired and short of answers. Only Jersey’s medic goalkeeper, Lt Muscat (KOMRM), made a number of stretching saves to keep them in the game.
Guernsey had a full set of subs to bring on but the Reds had no one to draw on - with all their reserves having to isolate in a rear echelon after catching trench-flu.
Jersey had one moment of hope when Lance-Corporal Renouf (RAMC) kicked the ball towards where Yeoman Farnham (RY) should have been but the hapless Tommy was nowhere to be seen, having disappeared at half time when he heard a shell land 12 miles away.
Sergeant Pinel (RAPC) tried to stimulate the game by promising to buy everyone in the Jersey team some chocolate for their rations, but the players seemed to realise that this was just an attempt to sugarcoat a dire situation.
The final whistle could not come soon enough for Jersey. Guernsey tried their best to raise the Reds’ spirits as both sides mimicked shaking hands from 2m apart but Le Fondré and his team knew they had been out-played and out-smarted.
Fortunately, the teams were then presented with a special celebratory ‘Pfizer’ tipple donated by their American allies, which proved to be a real boost for the players.
In the end, both sides enjoyed the benefits of this shot in the arm, but the winning side more so - knowing that they hadn’t suffered so much or spent an exorbitant amount of money to get to the very same place as their larger neighbour.
Speaking after the match, Private Le Fondré said he didn’t see the 100-0 scoreline as a defeat.
”You wait,” he said. “When we look back at this match in five years’ time, there’s every likelihood that this will be seen as a victory for Jersey, in the same way that we now know that the sun revolves around the earth and the moon is made of cheese.”
