A Jersey mum has spoken out about the “shame and isolation” she experienced whilst supporting not one, but two of her daughters through eating disorders as part of an awareness week for the illness.
Katie Hargreaves, who wants to use her experience to help others, said she felt compelled to speak out after finding herself reliving the same feelings of blame for a second time.
“Going through this for the second time and feeling the same blame, I just had to speak out,” she said.
“I also remembered how isolating the early months are, and I realised that much of this isolation came from shame and fear of judgement, especially having it happen to both my children.
“Sharing now feels like a way to turn something incredibly painful into something purposeful and to let other parents know they are not failing.”
“The eating disorder is not my daughter, it’s something happening to her”
Ms Hargreaves said it was important to speak not only about eating disorders themselves, but about the experience of being a parent supporting a child throughout.
She explained: “So much of the conversation focuses on the child with the illness, and this, of course, is vital, but what is often overlooked is the parents who are quietly holding everything together.
“Supporting a child through an eating disorder is emotionally exhausting, frightening and relentless.
“I just wanted to give a voice to that experience, especially because parents are too often blamed despite evidence showing how crucial family support is in recovery.”
Ms Hargreaves hopes other families will feel less alone by hearing her experience.
“I want them to know that struggling and being scared doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong, it means you are facing something incredibly hard,” she said.
“I hope they take away the message that their love and persistence matter even when it doesn’t feel enough.”
When asked what has helped her continue showing up on the hardest days, she said she reminds herself that “the eating disorder is not my daughter, it’s something happening to her”.
“On the hardest days, I have to look for those glimmers and try to find at least one good thing each day,” she said. “I try to stay calm but forgive myself when I don’t.”
“I wish someone had told me that this isn’t my fault”
Looking back, Ms Hargreaves said there were things she wished she had been told at the beginning of the journey.
“I wish someone had told me early on and really clearly that this isn’t my fault,” she said.
“I wish I heard that recovery isn’t linear, that setbacks don’t mean failure, and that taking care of myself wasn’t selfish but necessary and I’m still learning to do this.
“That recovery is possible, that you will get your daughter back and that this is not because you failed your child.”
Ms Hargreaves believes that families affected by the condition can be better supported by “listening without judgement, offering practical support and just holding space”.
The mother also paid tribute to Jersey Eating Disorder Support and its chief executive, Karen Dingle, describing the charity as a “lifeline” and her “safe space” when she felt “overwhelmed and scared”.
She explained: “Karen walked beside me each step of the way, sharing lived experience so I felt less alone.”
Organisations such as JEDS, she said, are crucial in ensuring families do not feel isolated while navigating an eating disorder.
“Always hold on to hope, even when it feels distant”
Ms Hargreaves’ final message to other parents is one of reassurance and hope.
“You are not alone, you are not to blame,” she said. “This is incredibly hard, and the fact that you are still showing up already says so much about your love.
“Seek support wherever you can, trust that your presence matters and always, always hold on to hope, even when it feels distant.”
Mrs Dingle added: “As parents, we nurture our children and watch them grow, and to see them so unwell is very hard to bear.
“The message that they are not alone is also important, and even if they are so overwhelmed with supporting their child, just knowing that JEDS is there for them when and if they need us can be helpful.”
SUPPORT…
JEDS hosts an eating disorder support group meeting held on the first and third Monday of every month at the Pomme d’Or Hotel from 6pm.
The charity also offers free one-to-one counselling and peer support for those living with an eating disorder, or those supporting someone with one.
If you or someone you know requires support from JEDS, you can contact the team by email at hello@jeds.je.
CLICK HERE to find out more about the charity.
