Sunday 26 June 2022
Select a region
Opinion

NEWS EYE: Brian the Hedgehog's party becomes a 'movement'

NEWS EYE: Brian the Hedgehog's party becomes a 'movement'

Friday 10 June 2022

NEWS EYE: Brian the Hedgehog's party becomes a 'movement'

Friday 10 June 2022


The News Eye Party - led by their illustrious and often spikey leader Brian the Hedgehog has rebranded as the News Eye Affiliation / Movement / Group of Mates.

The change in name was decided at a snap meeting (snap being played after the serious stuff is over) held in a burrow somewhere east of Mont Mado.

The leadership conceded its new name was almost as crap as ‘Infrastructure, Housing and Environment’ - but stressed that anything was better than ‘Party’.

Brian - fresh from canvassing those voters he can find awake between 02:00 and 05:00 - said the change had come about after speaking to the electorate.

“Despite initially thinking that being a party was a good idea, it’s quickly become clear that islanders don’t want them, or at least not in the guise we’re presenting,” he said.

“It seems people are quite content for Reform to cover the left and do their thing in Town, but Middle Jersey doesn’t want anything like the right and centre parties that they see in other jurisdictions."

He added: "'Party' has also become rather a moot word, after all those shenanigans in Downing Street.

“So we’re now calling ourselves a ‘movement’, inspired by our Treasurer Sarah the Guinea Pig, who has several a day.”

Brian said that despite the less-than-enthusiastic response to parties, the News Eye Affiliation / Movement / Group of Mates was running a strong campaign.

It had got off to a tricky start when Cyril the Tortoise turned up late for his hustings in St. Saviour, having had to walk from Maufant to the parish hall, stopping to munch slices of carrot on the way.

However, to his relief and amazement, he still wasn’t the last candidate to arrive.

Other hustings have gone much better. Melissa the Mouse got a warm reception in Trinity for stressing that having up to 30 pups a year for the past six years gave her a good understanding of the benefit and education systems. 

Of all creatures, she also knew that it’s not only the poverty trap that you have to look out for.

Brian told St. Ouen parishioners that the island was at a crossroads, which is a very dangerous place for a hedgehog to be.

There was one election flare up when Lindsay the Newt pointed out that the Matilda the Mole’s glasses, which she has to wear on account of being nearly blind, made her look like Don the Vole.

“No, I don’t,” she replied on Twitter, while wearing a grey moleskin suit. 

“No, you don’t, actually. Sorry. Toodle-pip,” said Lindsay.

Such a major internet spat deserved the significant coverage it received. 

With fewer than two weeks to go until the election, the News Eye Affiliation / Movement / Group of Mates is hopeful of being able to form a government.

If elected, Brian the Hedgehog and his Council of Creatures will solve the housing crisis by creating eco-friendly holes, nests, burrows and tunnels; and end the cost-of-living crisis by encouraging people to consume less.

They will also ban the words  ‘iconic’, ‘world-class’ and ‘crisis’.

WARNING: May contain traces of satire.

Sign up to newsletter

 

You have landed on the Bailiwick Express website, however it appears you are based in . Would you like to stay on the site, or visit the site?