Select a region
The Government is to introduce a new programme of ‘VR’ - or ‘Vernacular Reset’ - due to the fact that the word ‘crisis’ is overused and has lost all meaning.
Ministers have also conceded that constantly referring to difficult issue after issue as a ‘crisis’ actually isn’t particularly good for people’s mental wellbeing.
They have also realised that the word is highly relative and should be used sparingly.
Civil servant Anna Matapea, Senior Manager at the Government’s Department of Grammar, said: “In the old days, we just had Suez and the Bay of Pigs; now we have multiple crises every five minutes.
“When a real crisis comes along, we’re in danger of being unable to describe its magnitude in a meaningful way. And that would be a crisis.”
In recognition that the inhabitants of Kherson are definitely facing a crisis, as are those in the Bay Region of Somalia or Sanaa in Yemen, Minister will now refer to the ‘Cost of Living Buggeration’ and the ‘Housing P*sser’.
Under the VR programme, the ‘Rising Interest Rate Crisis’ was due to become the ‘Rising Interest Rate Calamity’ but this has now been downgraded to the ‘Rising Interest Rate Predicament’, on the basis that anyone with savings is actually quite happy.
The ‘Mortgage Crisis’ is also to be downgraded, on the basis that the base rate was 15% in the late 1980s and everyone has short memories.
The travails of outgoing UK PM Liz Truss and the Conservative Party are to be officially known as a ‘cluster’.
While the VR proposals have generally gone down well, there has been some resistance: one elderly islander stressed he had lived through the ‘Occupation’ and not the ‘German Invasion Crisis’ as the Department of Grammar is suggesting.
Dealing with the ‘Crisis Crisis’ is the first major initiative after the Government’s 100 Day Plan.
“Now that we’ve reached ‘100 Days’, we’ve suddenly got nothing to do, so thought the VR Programme would keep us busy till Christmas,“ said one administrator within the DoG, who is in charge of the regulation of dangling modifiers.
“We boldly go forward in our quest to improve grammar,” he added.
