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NEWS EYE: Government releases nightclub guide for ‘Generation Cov’

NEWS EYE: Government releases nightclub guide for ‘Generation Cov’

Friday 30 July 2021

NEWS EYE: Government releases nightclub guide for ‘Generation Cov’

With the reopening of nightclubs and ordering drinks at the bar delayed again, there are widespread fears that a whole generation of young adults will not have the necessary skills to survive in these harsh Darwinian environments.

With hundreds of young people potentially going to university in September having never sung YMCA on a sticky dance floor, sweet-talked their way past a bouncer after having too many pink gins at home, or tasted the sweet joy of a donner ‘with everything on’ before stumbling into a taxi, the Government is stepping in.

Highlands College has devised a course to ensure that ‘Generation Cov’ - whose last 17 months have been typified by restrictions, tests and isolation - have the right tools to survive on the street. 

And News Eye has been given a sneak preview of the syllabus, which has been specially tailored for teens whose formative years have, so far, been spent in the depths of a pandemic.

By following the guidance, we hopefully won’t see young adults struggling to transition from lockdown to ‘getting down’...

Advice on how to survive in a nightclub

  1. Do not approach a stranger in a club with the greeting: “Would you like me to give you the elbow or a fist-pump?” Yes, this is normal pandemic-speak but could be easily misinterpreted. 

  2. A bouncer telling you to “finish your drink and clear off, otherwise you’ll get two jabs” is not a public health announcement. Well, it is, in its own way. 

  3. A mate asking you to hold his pint as he’s off for a much-needed number 2 does not mean he’s going to the Fort for his second vaccine.

  4. Saturday Night Fever is not a covid symptom.

  5. Becoming a ‘direct contact’ of someone in a nightclub is often the raison d’être for being there. 

  6. Asking someone if they’ve had much lateral flow recently could be interpreted as a personal question.

  7. Having a double shot will not require you to expose one arm and rest for 15 minutes. Neither will it protect you from any virus. However, it may lead to some unwelcome side-effects if it’s a Cement Mixer, Smoker’s Cough or particularly cheap Tequila.

  8. Although you might think you are making shapes on the dancefloor like one of Beyoncé’s supporting troupe by repeating that iconic TikTok dance perfected during lockdown, in all likelihood you are probably moving more like Bez’s elderly grandad. Never think you’re a good dancer.

  9. Fatigue, brain fog and losing one’s sense of taste and smell may not necessarily be covid symptoms and could be attributable to a particularly big night at the Yacht or Mimosa.

  10. A lock-in is not the same as a lockdown. One is remaining behind closed doors while you drink yourself into oblivion till the small hours of the morning. The other is when a bar or club lets you stay late.

The guide also offers some advice on getting served at the bar - an alien concept to anyone who has only turned 18 in the last 15 months:

  1. No matter how animated you are, you will not get served before the old local sat on the stool who has been there since 1912 - and that’s the year rather than the time. 

  2. Although there are trays behind the bar, and a tray would be a perfectly logical and sensible way to carry multiple drinks, real pub goers NEVER use a tray, instead attempting to carry six pints at once, and spilling half of them on themselves, those around them and the carpet. 

  3. Although covid means that we live in a post-cash world, waving your Apple Watch, smartphone or bitcoin wallet to signify intent to purchase will NEVER beat a good old fashioned tightly clasped tenner held confidently at the bar. 

  4. Eating snacks left on the bar while you wait to be served comes with more health warnings than a Government covid press conference.

  5. Make a mental note of who was at the bar when you arrived and order your drinks when it’s your turn. Breaking this centuries-old omertà could lead to death-stares and ‘accidental’ spillage of beer in your proximity. 

A special course in how to not to fall asleep in the sun at music festivals will also be held by Highlands College in the autumn. 

(WARNING: may contain satire...or a variant thereof.)

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