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NEWS EYE: Jersey “perfect setting” for sci-fi blockbuster sequel

NEWS EYE: Jersey “perfect setting” for sci-fi blockbuster sequel

Friday 23 April 2021

NEWS EYE: Jersey “perfect setting” for sci-fi blockbuster sequel


Hollywood producers have confirmed that Jersey will be the setting of a sequel to the science-fiction blockbuster Elysium.

The 2013 film, starring Matt Damon and Jodie Foster, was set in 2154, when the Earth is overpopulated and much of the planet’s citizens live in poverty. The rich and powerful live on Elysium, a gigantic space habitat orbiting the Earth.

Matt Damon lives in urban squalor on Earth but dreams of getting to Elysium, where he can be cured of his ailments, breathe clean air and run in open fields.

Jodie Foster, as Secretary of Defence of the sanitised, privileged and protected environment, does everything in her power to stop the protagonist from entering the rarefied domain.

Now, backed by Government funding left over from the millions of pounds that showered the Island after the phenomenal success of the Oscar-winning Knights of Impossingworth, Hollywood is coming to Jersey. 

Co-producers of Can’t-Be-Done Productions said that Jersey was the obvious place to set Elysium II.

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Pictured: Hollywood is coming to Jersey...

“As soon as we saw the latest bridging Island Plan, we knew that Jersey was our location,” they said in a statement.

“In the film, 'St. Hellya' will be a dirty conurbation of high-rise buildings, pokey bedsits, unscrupulous landlords and squalor. 

“But tantalisingly close, you’ll have 'the countryside', which will be a verdant playground for the rich and landed, with high-walled mansions with sea views, flash cars and quaint M&S stores.

“But the 'countrysiders' won’t want those in St. Hellya dirtying their pristine lanes so they will do all they can to keep them out by charging extortionate rents. So develops a clear two-tier system, our own Eloi and Morlocks, living just across a main road from one another.

“On a practical level, production costs will be low, as in Jersey you have families struggling to pay the rent living just a few metres from £31m beachside mansions. We’ll be able to film every scene in a couple of days.” 

Responding to the news that Hollywood was, once again, coming to Jersey, a Government spokesman said: “We think this film can only portray the island in a positive light by showing off our beaches, bays and castles. We’ve been assured that there will only be a few fleeting shots of town. 

“We think the script is an amazing piece of science-fiction. It must have taken an incredible amount of imagination to envisage a small island divided by a deep economic wedge driving the haves and the have-nots wider apart.

“And to use the disparity between town and the countryside as a metaphor for that widening divide is a very clever piece of fantasy.” 

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Pictured: Can't-Be-Done productions have assured that there will only be "a few fleeting shots" of town.

Addressing the prospect of stars coming to Jersey, the spokesman added: “It was unfortunate that Matt Damon was unavailable for the sequel but a number of strong candidates had come forward, including some of our very own States Members. 

“We think that having the properties of Teflon, the power to mishandle disruptive opponents (‘manhandle’, surely … Ed) and the ability to disappear in an instant make them perfect action heroes. Senator Farnham has already applied for a role.” 

(WARNING: This column may contain satire...)

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