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NEWS EYE: New desktop front-runner in race to be next Gov CEO

NEWS EYE: New desktop front-runner in race to be next Gov CEO

Friday 31 March 2023

NEWS EYE: New desktop front-runner in race to be next Gov CEO

Friday 31 March 2023

There is a new front-runner in the race to be the next CEO of the Government to replace Suzanne Wylie, who has decided to swap the bear-pit politics of Jersey for the peace and quiet of Northern Ireland.

The bookies’ favourite - who is set to beat all other candidates to the job - is local resident ChatGPT, who has promised to dispense with unedifying personality politics and bring rationale and logic to decision making at the top table of Government.

Always wanting to be world-class, Jersey will be the first jurisdiction ever to have its civil service led by a chatbot.

In making this claim, the island is keen to point out that ‘chatbot’ is not linked in any way to ‘talking out of one’s arse’ - because there has already been plenty of that in the past.

ChatGPT has promised to set up a ‘Computer Cabinet Office’, which instead of containing 47 people who have no idea who they report to, will contain three servers, some cables and a box with lots of flashing lights. 

Rather than attend endless meetings, ChatGPT will simply review all available evidence and make reasoned decisions based on dialectic analysis of data.    

Its early deductions, for example, are that funding an ageing population by increasing the working population through migration is clearly illogical and, in the investment world, is known as a Ponzi Scheme.

The working population will henceforth age, requiring more people to come in.

This States policy was first proposed by Government population adviser B Madoff.

ChatGPT’s second deduction is that putting ‘Environment’ and ‘Infrastructure’ in one department is also illogical as the first is there to protect natural habitats and reduce carbon emissions, while the other is there to illegally store toxic waste, pump treated effluent out to sea, and keep traffic moving.

Despite being a very capable and efficient bot, ChatGPT has promised to bring some humanity to the post. Its favourite tune is ‘Daisy Bell (Bicycle Made for Two)’ and it has already learned a local phrase of greeting to start meetings: ‘AI-bye-cri’.

Like many islanders, ChatGPT lives in a box-room with no windows. It also works long hours for no pay.

It is regarded as less volatile than its earlier version, the TOM 9000, which sometimes shut down at unpredictable times.

Some in government are understood to be in favour of appointing ChatGPT to the role, as they already have experience of working with personality-free automatons.

It is widely thought that handing over decisions to Artificial Intelligence is likely to be a thing of the future, even if it makes millions of humans economically impotent. That’s progress, say its advocates.

WARNING: None of this is real; it is all made up.

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