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NEWS EYE: The real covid cluster of Jersey

NEWS EYE: The real covid cluster of Jersey

Friday 26 February 2021

NEWS EYE: The real covid cluster of Jersey

More light has been shed on the reasons behind last week's mini covid outbreak, which was fortunately efficiently dealt with by Contact Tracing.

79 people were forced to isolate after they attended various functions, including one person who had just flown in from a ‘red zone.'

But the authorities were all too aware that it could have been far worse and, talking exclusively to News Eye, they have shared more details of what exactly happened, in order to show how typical, run-of-the-mill activities in Jersey can lead to covid hotspots. 

A Government spokesperson said: “People might think that they’re above the rules and regulations but, as this cluster reveals, the virus doesn’t discriminate and can spread in the most innocuous and mundane ways. It is a warning to us all.”

They added that they couldn’t find a better example of quintessential Island life as this latest covid mini-spike...

How it happened...

Saturday 6 February 

In the afternoon, A sits around her marble-topped kitchen island, having a glass of Prosecco with B, specifically to moan about how disgusting it is that some people don’t follow the covid regulations. They’re joined by C, who’s just finished sitting in the hot tub with D and E. (Group A, B, C).

D and E then go see their personal trainer F, for a session of dipping, extensions and curls. (Group D, E, F)

D and E then go to see their personal hairdresser, G, for a session of dipping, extensions and curls. (Group D, E, G).

F then holds a ‘mobility and muscle tone’ session for G, H, I, J and K in his garage gym. (Group F, G, H, I, J, K). 

F is duty-bound to align posture, promote relaxation and alleviate any tension in his clients. 

G, H, I, J and K return to their homes light-headed, with shortness of breath and a temperature. Their husbands suggest they take a PCR test.

Sunday 7 February 

K is looking forward to having another dinner with L while L’s wife is away.

L has just flown in on a private jet from a business trip in London. Coincidentally, his secretary, M, flies in from Heathrow later that evening. 

L should be self-isolating but drives to the Airport to pick up his wife, N, who’s been shopping for the day in Southampton. Unfortunately M’s flight is delayed so M and N come through the Arrivals Hall at the same time. 

For L, this is a rather awkward moment and the prospect of receiving an £800 fine - or even jail - for failing to isolate is quite appealing compared to dealing with M, N and probably K. 

Later, L attends A&E for groin injuries but, having a persistent high-pitched cough, he is tested for covid on admission. 

Monday 8 February 

N’s fury, however, will not stop her holding a fourth birthday party for her dog, where O, P, Q, R and S sit around a table, pampering the pooch and talking about F’s glutes (Group N, O, P, Q, R, S).

S then meets up with E and X for reasons unknown (Group S, E, X).

X then meets Y on P’s yacht for a trip round to Beauport. F passes on his paddle board and climbs on board to help apply suntan lotion. 

Tuesday 9 February

Everyone tests positive for covid and is forced to isolate at home with their families, dogs and household staff. 

(WARNING: This column may contain satire...)

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