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NEWS EYE: St. Ouen columnist returns with more truth from the Farmers

NEWS EYE: St. Ouen columnist returns with more truth from the Farmers

Friday 27 May 2022

NEWS EYE: St. Ouen columnist returns with more truth from the Farmers

Friday 27 May 2022

In this week’s News Eye, we once again hand over the editorial reins to Eddie Le Brun, who shares his views from a bar stool at the Farmers...

All the candidate leaflets are starting to come through my door - lots of pictures of smiling faces and grand election promises. I’m not voting for anyone who doesn’t live in my parish, mind. Why would I?

A little birdie told me that one of the candidates is pregnant. Lyndon Farmham, I heard… due to give birth to three lambs in August. Congratulations, Lyndon.

Jade, Perrie and Leigh-Ann he’s gonna call them … because he’s a big fan of Little Mix.

On hearing the news, Old Metal Mickey came over, pint of Lib in his hand, to say that such such assertions were the “misogynistic weaponisation of pregnancy”. 

We were all surprised and impressed with his grasp of vocabulary until we realised he was sharing a cryptic clue from the Sun’s crossword. Four down, eight letters beginning with S.

Looking at all these manifestos, mind, what has this crop of politicians ever done in the real world, eh?

Norman Le Brocq? Blowing up ammunition bunkers, sheltering Jews and organising German mutinies during the War. 

Ralph Vibert? He was deciphering codes for the Special Operations Executive. 

JJ Le Marquand? Farmer who pulled up his socks to become a lawyer. 

Johny Rothwell? Lead singer of the Sex Pistols. 

Who has credentials like that these days? We’ve got ex-reporters, teachers, a few accountants and a host of career politicians. All worthy jobs but they’re hardly going to have many rip-roaring anecdotes round the campfire, are they?

That said, Dave tells me that Deidre Mezbourian in her youth was an assistant for magician Chris Woodward at the Fort, and she was the first person to tightrope the entire length of the Piazza while eating a hotdog. Bet you didn’t know that, eh?

I hear some of the candidates plan to put up posters the size of a five-a-side pitch, covering entire buildings. Jersey's gonna look like Times Square. 

I hear Russell Labey has bagged La Collette flats, Hilary Jeune has got the Frémont mast while Reform are hiring a huge liveried blimp to fly around St. Helier on Election Day.

I’m told that Rob Ward has an airship pilots’ licence… got it when he was 16 after watching A View to a Kill. 

He loved Max Zorin, I hear, and in a twist on the original plot, he has long harboured a secret plan to flood Waterwork’s Valley with Silicon. Sam Mézec told me that. 

Talking of Reform, I understand that Monty Tadier only eats peas! Bet you never knew that! Yup, it’s true, Ivor told me… he’s only ever eaten peas, or ‘petit pois’ as he calls them, for the last six years! 

All the nutrients you ever need in a pea, apparently… especially the frozen ones from Iceland. That’s why Monty can construct such long and complicated sentences. Peas!

Going back to the election, Ashley Le Cheminant was telling me that they’ve just released the format for the St. Ouen hustings.

First question will be: “Name five things that you’ll do for the parish that begin with the letter ‘Y’". 

Once that’s done, the candidates will then each have to sing ‘The Race’ by Yello, with Malcolm L’Amy accompanying them on the organ and the Rector on trumpet. Best version is guaranteed 500 votes, I’m told.

Finally, it’s over to the Farmers for an arm-wrestling contest, with Shaun giving a free bag of pork scratchings to the winner. That Kristina Moore is going to be tough to beat, I reckon. Strong wrists with a penchant for bar snacks.

Now that’s how a hustings should be run! Better than just asking boring and irrelevant questions.

WARNING: Does contain complete nonsense.

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