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NEWS EYE: Passengers advised to turn up two hours before arrival

NEWS EYE: Passengers advised to turn up two hours before arrival

Friday 09 June 2023

NEWS EYE: Passengers advised to turn up two hours before arrival

Friday 09 June 2023

The Airport is reminding passengers to turn up at least two hours before arrival in order to ensure an on-time departure from their aircraft.

This is to take account of the high likelihood of sitting on the plane while one of three ground staff on shift turns up to wheel the stairs to the door.

Passengers are also being reminded that baggage will be left unattended and not be disposed of while it sits in the hold waiting for the pilot, a passing fireman and the nice lady who works in duty free to unload them.

Departing guests are also being advised not to take any liquids on board - even if the aforementioned item was solid when the passenger arrived at the Airport, but has decomposed in the 200-year wait to be called to your gate.

Liquids, such as water, may also be unavailable to the stretched and hardworking ground staff who are the victims of short-sighted management decisions.

In the meantime, Visit Jersey is erecting large pictures of Mont Orgueil and Portelet Bay by aircraft stands so that passengers can look out from their window to get a sense of being in the island, even if a quarter of their weekend break is spent stuck on a plane.

However, ground handling agent Swisscheese has said it is getting to the root cause of the problem - widely believed to be poor pay and conditions, and the mass lay-off of employees during the pandemic - by shipping in staff from elsewhere on a temporary basis.

Such a long-term and robust solution has been applauded by Airport officials. 

National embarrassment (surely ‘carrier’ … Ed) Britvic Airways has also welcomed the long delays because it gives the former ‘world’s favourite airline’ another excuse when things go wrong, which seems to happen quite often these days.

Easyjet captains are also being advised that honest and heartfelt appraisals of unacceptable service should be suppressed in favour of telling passengers that everything is ok and, indeed, waiting two hours for a wheelchair for your elderly mum is all part of the travel experience.

Meanwhile, holiday destinations with functioning airports which have enough staff are reportedly becoming more popular with the travelling public. One cannot imagine why.

WARNING: A weak attempt at satire. None of this is real.

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