NEWS EYE: Chaos at Hogwarts after sixth form sent home

Friday 27 November 2020

Parents and pupils of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry are up in arms after the entire sixth form was sent home after a small number contracted covofungulus from one student.

Many say that it was wrong for the school, led by Professor Alun Dumbledore, to send all 200 students home.

They argue that it was unlikely that pupils would have contracted the virus from the student, named as Myrtle Warren, as she had been dead for over 70 years and had only been seen in a second-floor toilet since then.

The true picture emerged after an unknown pupil contacted journalist Rita Skeeter of the Daily Prophet to give her the inside scoop.

He told her: “Everyone was considered to be a close contact of Myrtle when, in fact, I’d argue that contracting covofungulus from a semi-transparent ghost, albeit one that emits tear droplets, would be highly unlikely. The school management appear to have nearly lost their heads.”

The unnamed whistleblower - who was standing alongside a serious-looking girl and a ginger-haired boy before the trio started isolating in a ramshackle home known at the Burrow - said that he had been scarred for life by the whole incident.

He added: “A contact tracing team of Cornish Pixies was then charged with sending owls out to tell us if we had to isolate or not. Well, I know they like to create mischief but their contradictory advice just compounded the problem. I don’t think my friend Neville could have caused more chaos and confusion.”

But despite the lack of planning, the school chose to send sixth-formers from all its houses - Brucindor, Dunnelpuff, Brathenclaw, Slythorious, and the other one - home.

Young Wizards' Commissioner Professor Minerva McMillangall was highly critical of this decision: “The way this has been dealt with has been a right Cornelius Fudge from the start and I want answers!” she said. “Hogwarts has got itself in a complete muggle.”

Commissioner McMillangall added that the school up the road, Beauxbatons College for Girls, handled things a lot better recently when one of their pupils got a bad case of dragonpox.

Defending the Hogwarts closure, Minister for Education and Spells Dolores Valbridge, said that the school’s entire sixth form centre was treated as a bubbling cauldron of dark magic so required a full deep clean by Mr Argus Filch, the caretaker.

However, further criticism was levelled at the way the pupils were sent home, apparently willy nilly. Unconfirmed reports suggest that they were allowed to wander down the Forbidden Paths and into Hogsmeade, where they were free to sip butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks, catch a Threstral-pulled carriage home, and sit on the Hogwarts Express next to the old folk of the town.

All pupils will now have to attend the Diagon Alley apothecary shop for a PCR test, which involves a health practitioner sticking a wand up one’s nose while shouting “Obliviate Covofungulus!” at the top of their voice.

In a letter sent via the Owl Postal Service to parents, Professor Dumbledore said that most subjects would now be taught remotely, however, next Tuesday’s Defence Against the Dark Arts class would be held in the States Assembly, and Dangerous Potions would be taught by a stream close to the Airport. 

Wednesday’s Quidditch match between Brucindor and Slythorious has also been cancelled.

Deputy headteacher Severus Snape defended Professor Dumbledore’s decision to close the sixth form: “It was the right call, of course, but next year, when I’m in charge, who knows what will happen? Bwahahahaha.”