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NEWS EYE: Secret Gov plan to get islanders out of cars

NEWS EYE: Secret Gov plan to get islanders out of cars

Friday 07 July 2023

NEWS EYE: Secret Gov plan to get islanders out of cars

Friday 07 July 2023

The Government has launched an ingenious but secret campaign to get more people cycling, walking and running to work - by promoting never-ending major roadworks on at least 90% of main roads throughout the year.

The previous policy of causing disruption only at weekends, off-peak times and in the school holidays has been discarded in favour of constant temporary traffic lights, diversions, barriers and closed roads.

Even the Tunnel is now being shut unannounced, in an effort to get people out of their cars.

Policymakers are also promising that this disruption will intensify as the Infrastructure Department asks for £41m of extra cash to replace drains, pumping stations and rising mains over the next four years - which equates to more than £27,000 a day on creating new holes from Corbière to White Rock.

That’s on top of £50m of ‘business as usual’ upgrades between now and 2027.

And that’s in addition to utilities connecting up to 4,300 new homes that the Bridging Island Plan proposes will be built between now and the end of 2025.

And let’s not forget the development of Les Quennevais as the island’s ‘secondary urban centre’, the removal of fossil-fuel infrastructure as the island seeks carbon neutrality, and the faint prospect of the Constables getting their act together and upgrading the island’s piss-poor byroads.

The Government has now admitted that this is all just a clever, surreptitious ploy to achieve its Sustainable Transport Policy goals. 

Said one official, swirling a cape around themselves and laughing in a menacing way: “You fools; can’t you see what we’re doing? You’re going to be spending at least a year of the next five years stuck in traffic if you don’t jump on an e-bike or grab a skateboard.

“We’re grinding the island to a halt and there is nothing you can do about it … no, siree … except walk to work … or perhaps leave the island, which many of you are doing already.”

Meanwhile, while Infrastructure is ensuring that everyone is stuck in traffic for at least an hour each day, the Economic Development Department is trying to increase productivity by avoiding everyone wasting time while they’re sat in traffic.

WARNING: Not a real story but a puerile attempt at satire.


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