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The Government of Jersey is going to be rebranded again - this time, as the Colonial Service of Jersey.
In recognition that virtually all senior posts are now held by people who have come from civil service positions in the UK, the Foreign and Commonwealth office has concluded that the former Crown Dependency can now be officially described as a ‘colony.'
As part of this rebranding, the next CEO will be known as the ‘Viceroy’ when he or she arrives. The interim CEO, recruited from the West London Trading Company, will be the Vice-Viceroy and his deputy, the Vice-Vice-Viceroy.
The UK has concluded that, to appease the native population, some locals will be allowed to work in the Colonial Service - serving bean crock, and translating tricky surnames and streets into English for their administrative masters.
One senior director in the Colonial Service told News Eye that native islanders would be better off under the protective arm of Great Britain.
“The UK is an exemplar of best practice so it makes perfect sense to adopt its ways in Jersey,” he said. “Just look at our record on handling the pandemic, crime in inner cities, wage inequality, cohesion across the kingdom, levels of obesity and social division - we really are world-beating in so many areas.
“As an island nation, you could have easily followed Taiwan’s, Iceland’s or New Zealand’s handling of the Covid crisis but because the Colonial Service is so richly laden with people from the UK, it was the obvious - and obviously correct - reference point.”
The director added that another benefit of moving to a full Colonial Service would be to further reduce the pressure on housing for the native population, as most senior officials posted in, wouldn’t be permanently based there.
He said that the airlines would also be even busier on Sunday and Friday evenings - providing a welcome boost for the struggling aviation sector.
News Eye has also been given exclusive sight of the 'Guide to the Natives' that new members of the Colonial Service are given upon arrival in Jersey:
1. The natives have a peculiar aversion to the correct naming of roads. If you ask them, for example: “Tell me, my man, how do you get to St Owens? Is it along the A1, followed by the B15 and the B43?”, they are likely to stare at you as if you were from Mars.
2. Journeys of more than 20 minutes are considered unbearable inconveniences. You might be used to driving 30 miles to get to your local Sainsbury’s or Tesco back in Blighty but, to the native Jerseyman, more than two miles is quite simply an infinite and intolerable voyage.
3. The indigenous population take great umbrage to undeclared second jobs. You might find it perfectly normal to advise the East River Logging Company or the Bengal Development Corporation for a few rupees on the side, but the locals strangely get a little heated over such accepted normality.
4. The natives have formed some form of renegade political system called the States Assembly. However, it is a disorganised collective riven with division, making it even easier for the Colonial Service to get its way. It is the Empire’s cherished ‘Divide and Rule’ philosophy in its purest form.
5. ‘Filter-in-turn’ is not pipe-smoking etiquette. Nor is ‘Cock and Bottle’ an initiation to get into the Officers’ Mess.
6. Do not, under any circumstance, go native, such as bringing over the kids or going paddleboarding at the weekend. This could lead to embracing island life and - God forbid - actually realising that Jersey isn’t a vassal of the UK after all. Your job is expressly to make lots of unnecessary changes based on your county council experience, get well paid, top up your pension and then return to Blighty as quickly as possible. Job done.
The newly formed Progress Party may have inadvertently revealed its secret backer in a quiet corner of its website:
