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As we already know, once upon a time, in a windswept northern kingdom, there lived a man who made very smart suits. He also wore very smart suits, therefore he was known as ‘the Crisp Tailor.'
The Crisp Tailor ruled this northern kingdom, along with his loyal henchmen, who were all very supportive of doctors, nurses and other people who cure. Yes, they were Pro-curers.
And we also know, one night, the Crisp Tailor dared venture into a neighbouring kingdom on his charger ‘Fiesta’, where he met the Three Little Pigs who stood in his way. “I’m the king in my ivory tower, you can’t stop me, you’ve got no power!" said the Crisp Tailor, but the Little Pigs stood their ground.
“You may huff and puff and act out of order, but we're not budging, and you’ve crossed the border!” said the porcine sentries.
As grumpy as one of Snow White’s Dwarfs, and not half as bashful, the Crisp Tailor then drove Fiesta forward into the Little Pigs' legs.
Many in the kingdom thought that was a very rash thing to do and the Crisp Tailor faced a trial in the Big City.
The tale has also been told that a small minority in the kingdom, who when not rabble-rousing, rebelling and stirring things up were preaching peace and goodwill to all men, then started asking awkward questions about whether the kingdom should pay for its ruler’s alleged indiscretions.
A few months later, the Crisp Tailor stood before Lady Fitzroy of Union Street, who judged his version ‘implausible’ versus The Little Pigs' credible account. She fined him 4,000 groats and told him to stay off Fiesta, or any other horse, for 18 months.
But rejecting the fairytale concept of ‘the rule of law’, the Crisp Tailor still felt wronged. Quoting the great wise man St. Billy of Joel, he proclaimed to a scribe from the Daily Fable: “I am an innocent man. Oh yes, I am.”
He added that he stood alongside other great men who have been convicted of a crime they didn’t commit, like Hannibal the Smith, the Face Man, BA Baracus and Murdoch (the helicopter pilot; not the owner of the Daily Fable).
Finally, the Crisp Tailor was forced to stand before the Court of the Royal Round Table, where King William the Younger sat in judgment. The King took a very dim view of the Crisp Tailor asking his Pro-Curers to back his plan to pay for his legal fees from his kingdom’s treasury.
He also didn’t like his protestations of innocence, or attempts to sing St. Billy of Joel. In fact, King William didn’t like much of what the Crisp Tailor had done.
“Not fit for office,” was his unambiguous conclusion, forcing the Crisp Tailor to resign from office and join the ranks of other members of the Order of St John who had fallen on the wrong side of the law, like the former planning chief and the village butcher.
And so, with his sharp suit rather ruffled, the Crisp Tailor was forced to step back from ruling his kingdom and set about rebuilding his reputation.
And the moral of this imaginary fairytale: keep your cool, stay humble, and if you’ve dug yourself into a hole, know when to climb out before you’re in too deep.
The End. Probably.
A fairytale from the north, Part I
A fairytale from the north, Part II
*Warning: MAY CONTAIN SATIRE.
