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Using the phrase ‘it’s a jungle’ out there to describe London just isn’t enough nowadays.
Residents are met with a booming population, soaring house prices, competitive job markets and more. Sometimes, the day-to-day feels like you’ve been put in a survival of the fittest-esque computer game.
So, in honour of the capital city’s grind, we’ve come up with five imaginary video games every Londoner needs to blow off a little steam.
Welcome to the daily struggle – the commute. Most Londoners aren’t #blessed enough to live nearby their place of work/school/final destination and rely on the city’s beloved/fickle public transport. So, when you’ve got that many people on trains, planes, and buses, the stations they pass through get a little crowded.
The object of the game is to make it through Victoria station (or King’s Cross/Liverpool Street/ etc) without bumping into, brushing past or full body slamming a passerby. No human contact. Participants start out with five minutes and then with each level, the time to make the train gets shorter and shorter. Think of it as a rush hour endless runner similar to Temple Run.
Forcefully kicking slow moving tourists’ roller luggage out of the way is totally acceptable.
Pop up bars/ clubs/ restaurants/ launderettes/ who knows what they’ll think of next are all the rage in the city right now. But, like most great unknowns in London, once word gets out, there’s no going back. Diners must arrive at their pop up early as possible or be faced with massive queues just to get a glimpse at that beautifully hand crafted, artisan Spanish tortilla.
How long can you last? Players start at the back of queue with an empty bladder, a full stomach and a sense of hope that soon they’ll be able to see and be seen. But as time goes on, the queuer’s powers begin to weaken and they start to feel a rumbly tummy and a heightened sense of annoyance. Get the to the front quick!
Players can boost up by offering monetary bribes to the people in front of them or sending a mate to buy a can at the shop across the road. Time to put those skills you learnt trading resources in World of Warcraft to the test.
It’s a nice day out — maybe you’re browsing the shops for a new summer look or the sun’s made a rare appearance and you’ve flocked to the park for some vitamin D. Then it starts. That slightly full feeling. That uncomfortable pressure. You really really need to wee and there’s not a toilet in sight.
Wait, there’s a Pret on the corner and they’ve got really nice loos. Maybe if you sneakily go past the counter, they’ll notice that you’re not planning on purchasing a baguette. But if the manager does catch you, not to worry. There’s a Starbucks next door. Keep looking for a place to pee before it gets too late!
This is classic puzzle gaming, but with a timer to keep you on your toes.
This one’s a gift for any Londoner who is almost at the end of their rope. May we present Grand Theft Black Cab. A player takes on the role of a taxi driver gone rogue after one too many Piccadilly Circus traffic jams.
The streets of London belong to you and your Hackney carriage. Feel free to blow through red lights, drive up on the pavement, hit tourists walking across the road, (don’t worry, our version won’t be as graphic as the original) steal petrol, and make it from Shoreditch to Fulham with no regrets.
Now for our final suggestion. London is home to hundreds of social tribes — Sloane Rangers, Punks, Rastas, City Boys and so on. One such tribe is the Yummy Mummy gang. Found mainly in the affluent west or southwestern suburbs, the club consists of mums who, despite birthing and rearing children, manage to be girls about town in tip-top shape with flawless hair and nails and the latest wardrobe.
Here’s the scenario — you’re trapped in gorgeous and expansive Richmond Park. But something’s amiss — there seems to be no one around. Then out of nowhere, a hoard of zombie yummy mummies appears, slowly inching forward, hair tied up, pram wheels stuck. You might think running away works, but another group emerges in the direction of safety.
It takes skill to beat these women and make it out alive. We’ve heard that tossing non-fat lattes their way distracts ‘em.
